How Much Suffering is Too Much?

I have a very low tolerance for seeing people and animals pain. I am such a sucker for the down and out. I crumble under the tears and filth of the homeless. I once gave 75 cents to a homeless guy who had a sign that read “Homeless and Need a Beer, Aint that the Truth!” If I were homeless I’d sure want to be drunk or high too. But how much suffering do we really need to see and hear about?

Have you ever seen the commercials for the Christian Children’s Fund with the poor kids living in squalor? Their bellies are distended; they have flies swarming around their faces and dirty clothes on? They had me at shoeless. I can’t bear to watch the videos, just tell me where to send my check. The commercials must have gotten to my mom to cause she adopted a sponsor child years ago. When she passed away my sister took over the care of him. And now my sister has been sponsoring this boy for so long that he is ready for a retirement home….or a retirement hut as the case may be in Kenya. I sponsor a little girl in Uganda.

Don’t even get me started on the ASPCA commercials for the abused and neglected dogs and cats. Ya know the ones with the starving dogs with their ribs showing and missing patches of fur. The ones with the one eyed cat and mangy mutts. Did you see the part when the kitten reaches through the bars of the cage as if he is reaching out to say “Help me! Please tell me the numbers to your bank account so I can drain it” And if the pictures weren’t bad enough they have Sarah McLaughlin singing about how they’re in “The Arms of the Angels.” Heck, I’ll be your angel little puppies! I want to take all of them home and nurse them back to health right in my own living room. Hold on tight, I’m coming to get your out of there! Those nasty people won’t hurt you ever again. How much do I send? God just make the commercial stop! I have several collage roommates that can attest to the fact that I have taken in strays and lost all reasonable sanity in the process because I smelled a tiny wafting of their suffering and had to step in.

And what about the people in Haiti? My heart just breaks for them. So much death and destruction is just unimaginable. These poor people were well, so darn poor to start with before the earthquake. The news said that 600, 000 people were now homeless. But I have a feeling that the majority of them were homeless before the earthquake too. So I probably would have given money to them before the quake. I’ve seen the video of the people being pulled from the ruble and I just want to offer them a smoothie and cool shower. Some guy drank his own piss for 10 days! Holy crap! Give that man some mouthwash, a gift card to Ruth’s Chris steakhouse and a Tetanus shot! And the kids, the poor children. I have been this close to investigating getting’ me a Haitian orphan too. I went so far as to ask my hubby if he would want a boy or girl. Girl it is. But I really could have done without seeing the dead bodies in a garbage pile on Dateline. They just went too far with that.

And last but not least I have to call your attention to a book that I was given for my birthday by my oldest sister. It’s called “Half the Sky.” It’s about turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide. I’m all about liberating women but I can’t stomach reading one more page of this book. It goes into great detail about rape, prostitution and human trafficking that is taking place in India, Asia and the Middle East. It is horrific and trust me I was on board with helping to create change on page one. There is no need for me to read 13 more chapters on this topic. They should have just put the title of the book and an 800 number for me to call with my credit card information on the cover. That’s enough. I’m having nightmares of these poor girls from the stories that I read.

UPDATE: I have an email from the Humane Society in my in box titled “Animals in Haiti Need Your Help”…a double whammy and I’m not opening it because I’m sure their will be pictures attached to it.

Why Are Sales People So Annoying?

Sales people are everywhere! In stores, gas stations, on the phone and yes even in your doctor’s office. When did sales people becomes such royal pain in the ass douchebags? I don’t remember it being this bad like 10 years ago. Everyone is so desperate for money because the economy is so bad, fine I get it. It’s like salespeople have all turned into the kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. They run up to you shouting “Wanna buy this, how bout that?” I get panic attacks just going to the mall. The people in the food court practically throw food samples at you as you walk by. Ouch, did I just get his with some MooGoo Gai Pan? One lady who did eyebrow threading at the mall yelled to me from her store that I REALLY needed to shape my brows, and she could help me. What? So insulting!

I went to the dentist today for a regular cleaning. Just a regular God. Damn. Tooth cleaning. Simple right? Na, not any more! They tried to sell me two sets of x-rays. Why two sets if I only have one set of teeth? The Dental Coordinator (that’s what it said on her name tag) told me I HAD to have the extra panoramic x-rays as well as the regular ones. I told her I was not paying for anything not covered by my insurance. She says “Well I know times are tough but we have to take care of ourselves right?” Thanks for the emotional check up Dr. Phil. Whatever, not paying for two sets. So the dentist comes in and looks at my REGULAR x-rays and tells me I have a few cavities. He leaves and “the coordinator” comes back with two separate estimates 1. The teeth cleaning and 2. The cavities to be filled. The tooth cleaning with my insurance is over $283!!!! It has crap in there like a Flex Care Dispensing Unit for $119. And Oraqix Cartridge for $20.00 What the hell is that? And to get my cavities filled is more than $230! Yes, that is WITH insurance. So, I left. With no work done, no sale made and an hour of my time wasted. I guess we’ll have to sacrifice diapers, tampons and fresh produce this month so I can get dental work done.

Even with all the extra crap taken out of the dental bill why was it so much money with insurance? Was another sales scam taking place within the insurance company too? When I got home I pulled out the paper work that I had from the dental insurance company and it says on their flyer:
Benefits NO CHARGE:
2 Routine Cleanings per year
X-Rays
Fillings

I called our sales agent and she told me only certain kinds of cleanings, x-rays and fillings were at no charge. I argued that the flyer was misleading. It lead me to believe that all cleanings, x-rays and fillings were…NO CHARGE. I told her there should be an asterisks saying *only covers certain types. She said well if we put an asterisk next to each one nobody would buy the plan. And I said EXACTLY! Yet another rude scheming sales person!

A while back I went shopping for a dress for my sister’s wedding. I went to Ann Taylor, Macy’s, Dillard’s, Express, Bebe and Nordstrom’s. As soon as I walked into each store, I got some way overly eager beaver who screams “Hellllllooooo, Welcooome to ___!!!!” from all the way in the back of the store or fitting room. Weird isn’t it, to be greeted from so far away? I know it’s uncomfortable to have someone invade your personal space up close but it’s also strange when someone greets you from way out of your personal greeting parameter. And have you noticed that they try and strike up a conversation with you like an old friend? “How are we (what’s with the “we” when you are speaking to me?) today? What brings you into Express?” Umm I need clothes jackass! “Do you have a special occasion that you are shopping for? Don’t you just love that jacket? It would look great on you! What size are you?’ Leave me alone Ms. Cheesy, we’re not friends, not buddies and in fact you are the enemy and I know you are working on commission.

Then when you are in the dressing room they put their face up next to the door “Hi, how’s it going in there? I found a pair of jeans that would look great with that top you are trying on, do you like red?” OMG go away! I’m actually popping a zit on my back in here!!! Then when you check out at the “Cash Wrap” (not the plain old register any more) they try and snag a sale one more time. “Did you see the socks that went with your new shirt? They are on sale; buy 7 million pairs and get one free. The sale ends tomorrow. Are you sure? Allllright (waving socks in the air).” Then they ask for your phone number and email address! You want my digits and email? What are next are you going to add me as your friend on Facebook? This is why I love shopping online. If only I could get my dental work done in cyberspace.

BTW I give Flo a 9 1/2 out of 10 for annoying the crap out of me. Anyone else?

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Sex is not just sex. Think about it. It's complicated. And for such a simple task there are really a million different ways to do it. And the places, oh my the different places to be having it in!

Let's review...There's the...
Wham bam thank you ma'am sex
Make up sex (You may have felt the earth move during this emotional interlude)
Break up sex (Which comes first break up then make up? Depends on the relationship right?) If it is true break up sex you are thinking to yourself the entire time from clothes off to clothes back on..."This may be the very last time we ever do it." Again, could be a bad thing. Could be a good thing.
One night stand sex
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel.
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel and Plan B (no prescription needed for that but it is located behind the pharmacy counter.)
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex that will only be in town for one night, never to return again. Now we're talking!
Adventurous sex, think Mile high club
Sex while you are at your parents house.
Sex in your parents bed while they are out.
Sex while the kids are in the house wondering if your bedroom door is locked and can't enjoy yourself until someone double checks.
Sex while the kids are sleeping (always without spanking noises).
Morning sex
All night sex. Ouch!
First time sex. Do I stay the night or go home? Does he/she want to stay the night? I don't have my make-up with me for the first viewing in the morning. Crap.
I forgot to shave sex.
Is someone watching us sex?
Sex in the car. Front seat or backseat?
Sex against the car. Also can be classified at adventurous sex.
Sex with the dog or cat watching/laying on the bed.
In every room in the house sex.
Breaking in a new car or house sex.
Sex with a boss, employee or janitor. Breaking the "never have sex with a co-worker" rule.
Middle of the afternoon, on a lunch break sex. Go back to office like nothing ever happened.
Sex while listening to a CD make just for sex.
Sex while the TV is on. Sex during the nightly news, so not sexy. Picturing Ted Kopel.
Sex while picturing someone else in your head. It's not cheating ya know!
Sex while thinking of your shopping list.
Sex on the beach which is way over rated.
Vacation sex. Awesome! But you already knew that.
First time sex.
Not your first time sex but it is their 1st time.
After his/her favorite sports team just won a game sex.
I just f'ed up really bad and I don't want you to find out about it sex.
I just spent a lot of money at Bloomingdale's and I'm trying to hide the receipt and bags sex.
Sex in the city.
Are we having sex or making love sex?
Sex with lots of dirty talking.
Sex with lots of dirty talk and someone just crossed the line.
That time of the month sex. Some people are into it some aren't.
Making a baby sex.
So don't feel like trying to make a baby sex AGAIN.
I think I like you but I'm not sure so let's see how this goes sex.
So not compatible in bed sex but the conversation over dinner was marvelous.
Conjugal visits in jail sex.
Sex with shoes on.
Oops I farted sex.
Honeymoon sex.
Sex while pregnant.
First time sex after a pregnancy.
Boring sex.
Sex in a hot tub.
Throw some meat under the door we are going to be in here for hours sex.
I just lost 20lbs sex.
I'm not doing what those people in that DVD are doing sex. How much did you pay for that porn?

Wow, choices are good thing aren't they? Now where is my husband?

Why do People keep their Kids up so Late?

I'm at Barnes and Nobles...or is it Barnes n' Nobles? last night. Trying to have some alone time, some away from kids time and wouldn't you know it...kids of all kinds of ages were there at 10:50 at night! WTF!!!!!!!!!!

I love my child dearly but I also love when its nighty nighty time for him. It's finally the time when I get to be alone with my thoughts. When I get to put on my woman meets adult brain and remember what it's like to actually be interested in things other than tractors and Thomas the Train. I watch Rachel Maddow. I get to eat adult foods like Hummus and drink a Latte. I get to talk to my husband about our business, taxes and healthcare reform. At 8:09 I finally get the tune of "Bob the Builder" out of my head and listen to some Linkin Park. Can I hear it...YES I can! (If you have ever watched Bob the Builder you will know exactly what I am talking about).

The bookstore is my escape. It's quiet. I love that people are reading and thinking. Thinking intelligent thoughts. Or so I like to think. I read books about things I couldn't even dream about during my Gymboree Sesame Street Barney freakin' day. Like bird watching, religions of the world and yes self improvement. I don't want to hear whinning, shouting or even kid like giggling. Shut the F up this is a bookstore, it shares the same rules as a library SHHHHHHHH!!!

So, I have to ask parents of the universe why oh why are your kids not in bed at 10p.m.? Or at least at their house where they can drive YOU and only you insane in the privacy of your own home? Where they belong! It’s 10:50 p.m and Yes I know where YOUR children are!!!!

Who You Gonna Call?

I would like to bring something very important to your attention. But only my readers of the US of A. So, if you live in say Serbia, don't bother reading this post. (I hear I have a huge following in Serbia...I'm popular with the Serbies…that’s my pet name for them). Serbia may not have the same policy as the U.S. you’ll see why in a minute.

Anyway. There is a question you must ask answer and I bet you never even thought to ask it. Here it is: If you get thrown in jail (I know, I know, it wasn't your fault) and you have only one phone call to make (you only get ONE call right? I have never been incarcerated so I cannot confirm this...but just go with me on this) WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL? Ghostbusters is the wrong answer.

Let’s look at our options:A parent? Nope, they'd never let you live your crime down. You would be reminded of your deed at every single holiday get together over the apple pie. Remember the time that ___ got arrested and we had to bail him out of jail?
A neighbor? No way, you'd be forever known as the neighborhood hoodlum.
A co-worker? Do you really want your boss to find out about this?
A friend? Which one? Would they make “bending down to pick up a bar of soap in jail” jokes from now until forever?

A mutual friend of my husband and me who will go by the name PDiddy picked my husband to be his "only one phone call friend." I thought that was a rather big compliment until I realized what being the "only one phone call friend" would entail. It's not an easy job by any means. Let’s explore.

Don’t ruin your one phone call and call someone who will only give you a shoulder to cry on and not take any action (That rules out all women cause we know women are good listeners.) Call a man. Men are fixers! Call someone who will bail your sorry orange jumpsuit wearing ass out of jail! It would have to be someone who would be willing to A) Answer the phone at all hours of the night if they see the county jail phone number on the caller ID B) Front you the cash to bail you out C) Not tell your spouse/family/co-workers about this little mishap D) Help you get your car out of the impound lot E) Feed your pets while you are away. That’s a lot to ask! What happens if you call your "only one phone call friend" and you get a busy signal? I know, call waiting, but just suppose your luck is as bad as mine and you do get a busy signal do you get to call back later? Does that make it two phone calls now? Or can you call your second choice back up friend? If they take away your cell phone do you even have any phone numbers memorized? If you left a message how does the person call you back? Suppose you got a wrong number? Suppose you called MOVIE PHONE by accident. Is the movie phone guy with that deep voice gonna help you out? “Press 1 for Goonies” Press 2 to be bailed out of jail. Nope. Not an option!

Lawyer…think Lawyer…yes, that seems like a great idea! But umm how do you find one at 3A.M? This is your first time in jail right? Can you call 411 for a phone number; but then you’ll be making two phone calls again. Is there a phone book next to the phone to look one up?

Ahhh so much to think about! “You must choose, but choose wisely” –Indiana Jones. Remember you only get ONE phone call…don’t mess this up! Bad things do happen to good people.

What's up with this freak?

Have you seen the show Dr. 90210? It is about plastic surgery in Beverly Hills. Yes, those kind of before and after shows are intriguing. But the real interesting part of the show is the main doctor Dr. Rey. At first he was just a normal plastic surgeon...how normal could one be whose job it is to rearrange someone's face?

But I think the fame has gone to his head! Have you seen his clothing choices? He is way beyond metrosexual with the highlights in his hair and his man cleavage.

He has no boundaries with his patients, most of whom are female. He calls them honey and beautiful but in a really skeevy way. He wears sleeveless scrubs...why? Turn on the AC if you are hot in the operating room. And he treats his waif of a wife like dirt. Eww, he just grosses me out!

This is him now.

http://www.tmz.com/2009/04/29/dr-rey-karate-video/

Wow. Just wow.

Who Cares?

This is a post of random crap that I don't care about.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up for the third time. Who Cares? No, really does anybody care?

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Big Lips Jolie arguing over Brad Pitt. Girl fight or made up Bullshit? Either way just cut it out because no one really cares right?

OctoMom and her gazillion kids. I kinda care. Only because she has more chaos in her house than mine and that makes me feel better about my life. Next to her I'm a great freaking mom!

The Economy and all the details. Yes, I care but I don't want to hear about it just friggin' fix that shit!

Kelly Clarkson weighing like 189lbs. I don't care. I'm glad she is chubby. I can't stop singing her new song "My Life Would Suck Without You". But I suck at singing. And I can't sing it around superman cause her repeats everything I say and I don't want him saying the word SUCK.

Real Housewives of Any County. Nope, don't care. The whole trophy wife ideal is stupid.

Katie Holmes being brain washed by her husband. Who hasn't made some dumb choices for a man? I care about as much for what religion she is as I care for weeds in my yard. I do however care about the length of her bob.

Micheal Phelps smoking a bong. Raise your hand if you care. Put em up! I only care because they got pictures of that cocky trophy hording monger. That's funny shit!

Sarah Jessica Parker getting her mole removed. I care about cancer prevention.

The shows Lost and House. I don't care because well...I can't follow the plot therefore I am Lost.

The Snuggie. I don't care about it because I live in Florida and it's too warm to care about putting arms on my blanket.

and last but not least...drum roll please:

American Idol. I only care about watching this show in the beginning of the season when people sing and super suck at it. So hilarious! When they start getting good I stop watching it.

Who's That in the Stir-ups?

What's worse, going to the dentist or the gynecologist? I vote for Gyno.

I went to the Gyno today. And I say Gyno and not OB (as in obstetrician i.e. baby doctor) because it was a very much anti-baby kind of appointment. Even though my Gyno is also my OB. I was actually looking forward to this appointment because it brings me one step closer to not having to worry about birth control for a while. And once you know you and your man are actually capable of his sperm dating your egg it brings on a whole new sense of panic to get some good birth control.

So, there I was in the waiting room. This office has 8 doctors in it so it's basically a mass herding of the vaginas all day. When I arrive there are like, 20 pregnant women waiting to be seen. Most of them looked pretty darn miserable and I have to say I don't blame them. I could just see their ankles swelling as we sat there. It made me all the more anxious to get my hands on some BC. I was afraid the pregnancy thing might be contagious so I sat as far away as I could from the incubators...I mean women. It cracks me up when I see men in there with their wives at appointments. They just look so out of place. One guy was reading a Good Housekeeping magazine. How humiliated would he be if his friends found out about that? But what else would he read in and OB/Gyn office?

On to my appointment. They call my name and bring me back into the exam room. The nurse tells me to take off my clothes below the waist and drape the paper towel over me and wait here. Where else was I going to go? I did and then just sat there for 14 minutes waiting for the doctor. It is so humiliating wearing the paper towel across my lap. Nobody looks cool wearing paper. Unless you are a paper doll which I'm not. I look around the room and see a plastic uterus with the Mirena IUD in it sitting on the counter. Who came up with that marketing idea at the pharmaceutical company? A plastic uterus. No ovaries, no labia just the uterus. My uterus is not for sale thank you very much! And then there is Nuva ring sitting next to its friend the plastic uterus. Wow that sucker is huge! It could fit around a tennis ball, no lie! There is a poster on the wall about how to do a breast self exam. Oh shit, I never do those. Who has the time? Today I took a shower with superman staring at me. It was the only way I could get a shower in before my appointment. Am I supposed to do a BSE under those circumstances? I think that would be illegal on so many levels. Doesn't everybody shower on the day of going to the Gyno...and shave their legs and pits? Like my doctor even cares if I have stubble on my legs or a hairy bikini line.


Anyway my doctor comes in and before you know it my feet are in the stir-up that have little mittens on them. Who thought of making mittens for the stir-ups? She busts out the cold speculum...yadda, yadda, yadda and then it's over. Thank God! We talk about BC options. The exam last all but 3 minutes but it seems like 40 minutes. I put my clothes back on and suddenly I feel a little more humbled by the experience. I pick what is left of my dignity off of the floor and head out the door like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Ya know how they say when you are speaking to someone and you are nervous to picture them in their underwear? Well, the next time you are up against some biotch that has an attitude as big as an elephant instead just think about her in the mitten covered stir-ups. She doesn't seem so bad ass now does she?

Why Do Girl Scouts Sell Cookies?

As I write this I am chomping away at a Thin Mint. Those darn Thin Mints! They make my thighs expand before the chocolate cookie even gets to my stomach. They clog my arteries and make me feel lethargic. They make me feel bloated. How you ask? How could one cookie make me feel bloated? Because I can't eat just one. Oh no! I go in for one but come out with a whole sleeve and before you know it I'm popping those suckers like tic tacs. One whole Thin Mint will fit in my mouth nicely. No biting necessary. How easy is that? Too easy I tell ya!

So why do Girl Scouts sell fattening cookies? Aren't those little kids supposed to be little "do gooders". Ambassadors to good will? Doesn't selling high caloric cookies go against everything they believe in? They should be selling fruit. Or green veggies. There has got to be a veggie badge that they have to earn right?

And who can pass up the sale of girl scout cookies? Nobody! Just try it. They walk by you with a cart full of sinfulness and a pathetic smile. And your knees get weak at the sight of a Samoa. All that chocolaty, carmel coconut yumminess. I think they knew what they were getting into when they came up with this fundraising heart attack in a box. How could they? They should be ashamed of themselves. They might as well sell crack in a box! Because I'm hooked! Those F'ing cookies! Thank God they only come out once a year.

What do I do all day?

Ok, so it's been a while since I have posted. But I'm back baby!

I have always wanted to blog about this topic because I get asked about it a lot...A LOT. And it bugs me, I dunno why. I guess because the question implies that I don't do anything all day when in reality I am crazy busy all day. As any other stay at home mom is. And it would imply that my day actually has an end and my job is over. Well, there is no end time. There is no end to the day when I am off duty. So, here is the breakdown of my day...and night.

8am wake up to Superman's screams and screeches (he just started doing this shriek two days ago) for MAA MAAAAA!!!!! EEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Pee. Change pajamas.
Wash sippy cup. Heat up milk in microwave, pour into sippy cup. Feed dog. Let dog out.
Get child out of crib. Give kisses. Wrestle child on table to change diaper.
Try to convince child to drink milk. Pick up cup from floor.
Turn on the Today show knowing full well I will not have time to watch it.
Try to throw in a load of laundry. Try to start washer before toddler has time to open door. Unsuccessful. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember to turn on washer when toddler is napping.
Try to wash dishes. Pry toddler out from inside the dishwasher. Take knife out from toddler's hand. Close dishwasher...remember to do dishes when toddler is napping.
Try and vacuum. Success.
Wrestle toddler to change into clothes for the day.

9am Speech Therapist arrives. I join in activities to persuade toddler to speak.

10am Breakfast. Make oatmeal. Superman is learning to eat with a spoon. Clean up oatmeal from wall. Clean off resistant toddler.
Try and brush my hair, teeth and put make-up on with toddler in bathroom throwing toilet paper (the day before it was shells) into the toilet. Take perfume bottle out of toddlers hand.

11am Try and think of activities to keep superman and myself occupied. A bored child is a bad troublesome child! Take a walk to park. Toddler wants to walk and will not be pushed in the stroller. Between stopping to look at bugs and playing with leaves it takes us 20 minutes to get there when it normally takes 4 minutes.
Push superman on swing for no kidding...17 minutes..
Walk back to house....20 minutes.

12noon Snack time.
Try and make a phones calls to doctor's offices and insurance company to settle bills from Superman's hospital stay from TWO freaking years ago!
Have to hang up because toddler is practicing his screeching again.
Read books.

12:30-2:30pm Nap time (his not mine). My favorite time of day!
(Can't make phone calls because it wakes up Junior)
Finish dishes, finish laundry, finish putting on make-up. Clean up mess in toilet bowl.
Change sheets on bed.
Finally check email. Jump on Facebook for 10 minutes.
Pay bills. Eat lunch. (Can't eat lunch with superman awake cause he will steal my food.)

2:30pm MAAAA MAAAA!!! Greet toddler. Change diaper.
Make lunch with hungry toddler stuck to my leg like a leg warmer.
Clean up lunch from floor and wall and dog's head.

3:30pm Food shopping. Try and convince child that sitting in the cart is fun. Throw crackers at him to keep him from jumping out.

5pm Stop at office supply store for husband. Chase child around store. Child has had enough of errands.

6pm Gymboree, Superman's play class. Sing corny songs. Act like I'm having a great time. Take asprin for headache listening to corny songs.

7:15pm Dinner. Clean up food from walls, floor, cabinet and dog's head. Feed dog.

7:45pm Bath time, read books, make sippy cup with warm milk (toddler wouldn't have it any other way.) Wrestle toddler to put on PJ's. Fight with him to brush his teeth. Put child to bed.

8:30pm Lay on couch and drool

10 pm Jump online to plan superman's birthday party.

10:16pm Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
12am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
2:30am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.

And there you have it folks! Sounds peaceful and fun doesn't it? Yeah right. This mom...this stay at home...but not really at home... mom thing is the hardest job I have ever had. Most of the time I'm exhausted. I love my son dearly or I would not do this but I cannot wait till he goes to school! I get the question "So, when are you going to have another?" right after I get asked what I do all day. Are you kidding me? So, what DO you DO all day?

Who the hell does Madonna think she is?

On Wednesday night my husband and I went to the Madonna concert. Or is it called a show? I dunno. Somewhere along the way I think the word "concert" was phased out and the young kids started to call concerts shows. Anyway.

We drove 5 hours to Miami to see her royalty. Why do I call her royalty? Cause my ass only waits for Jesus and royalty for TWO AND A HALF HOURS! Yes, she was 2 1/2 hours late! B-I-O-T-C-H!!!!! Who the hell does she think she is? Who makes 40,000 people wait that long? Nobody puts baby in the corner!!!! I cursed her name the entire time. I bet she was with Rodriguez having some kind of steamy rendezvous. Whore. Damn her for having sex on my watch. She never apologized for being so late and didn't even wish us a Happy Thanksgiving! And there was no band that came on before her...boring.

We actually got to the stadium 15 minutes early. And early never happens for us. So it felt like forever sitting in those hard plastic seats. I got a lot of junk in the trunk and my rear still hurt. After two beers I started to get sleepy so I had to cut myself off from alcohol. I did spot a few people in the crowd actually sleeping.

We were there waiting so long that I got to know my neighbors. There was an old dude and his wife in front of us. He was literally 70 years old no lie. He grew up in Italy and we chatted about that. And next to us was a guy with really long dread locks who danced his ass off the entire time. In the row behind us was three older women with bad face lifts and jumbo lips. Such a broad spectrum of fans? Not something I expected to see at the Madonna concert/show.

I also wasn't expecting to see a concert that was more like a Broadway show on steroids. The set and stage were amazing. Holy crap! Ms. Madge danced her ass off for almost two hours non-stop. Man, she has got a body to die for. Or at least a body to leave your current wife and kids for. She also played guitar for four songs. Who knew she could play guitar? At one point she french kissed a female back up dancer...didn't see that one coming...Madonna never kisses women on stage. I also wasn't surprised that several dancers humped her from behind. Interesting non-the-less. What cracked me up was her charm: "C'mon you mother fuckers, stand up and stop trying to look bored. Put your hands in the air and smell your armpits." The crowd went wild. She called us mother fuckers numerous times as well as bitches.

She has been on the radio for a like a million years. She has reinvented herself like a million times. The lighting was outstanding. The sound was unbeleiveable. Her show was amazing, totally worth waiting for. And she is 50. So who does she think she is? Well just none other than Madonna.

Where do you sit?

Have you ever been in a restaurant and seen two people sitting on the same side of the table? This drives me nuts! Why are they sitting on the same side of the table when there are four chairs at the table? Or a booth made with two benches.

It's so much easier to talk to someone across from you than next to you. Picture this, you turn your head to talk to the person next to you and their cheek is facing forward stuffed with a big mouthful of hamburger. And now you are like 2 inches away from this person chewing their cow and talking into their cheek. Gross! Some things are just not meant to be seen up close.

Are people really this co-dependant that they can't even stand to be apart from each other for one meal? You can still hold hand across the table so don't act like it's a PDA type of thing. I've been in love before but I like a little space between me and my honey. We can play footsie under the table...people who sit next to one another can't play footsie. Who doesn't like footsie?

Another seating issue, people who sit too close to the driver of a car. You know what I'm talking about. A pick-up truck with the passenger sitting right smack next to the driver. "Love" you might call it? I think it is more like "hate" than anything. Why? Cause the passenger can't even wear a seat belt sitting that close to the driver! Nothing says "I hate you" more than your loved one being thrown from a moving vehicle in an accident. Move over you dumb ass! Cuddle when you get to your destination safely.

How much is that sticker worth?

Tomorrow is election day. As if you didn't know. So this is my one political post. It is deep so bare with me. I could talk about the economy, environment, gas prices. But I am going to focus on a truly important question.

Who pays for the "I voted" stickers? Every person gets one who votes right? I be they are like 2 cents a piece. Times a bazillion people. So that could add up to a hefty sum. I'm assuming neither political party flips the bill. Are the tax payers paying for it? If so I want to put my money else where. Who cares about some dumb sticker? It's not like people will see me out in public with my stupid sticker on and think "Oh gee look at Ms. Smarty Pants, she voted." What's this first grade? I'd rather have a gold star sticker anyway.

Who am I Cybil?

Do you remember that old movie about the woman with multiple personalities? I never saw the whole thing but she was pretty crazy, bonkers, coo-coo for cocoa puffs if ya know what I mean. I think I may be a little wacky too.

Yesterday was a rough day. It was one of those days where I wanted to QUIT. Throw my hands up in the air and quit being a mom, let a lone a stay at home mom. We had to take superman to the pediatric optomologist. We can't go to just any old eye doctor nooooo. They have to specialize in preemie eyes. There is only ONE in the Tampa Bay area. TB has a population of over TWO million people so to get in to see her is tough. Her office is 45 minutes away. This was our ordeal:

Wake sleeping toddler up from nap. Waking sleeping toddler is like waking a sleeping bear.
Drive 45 minutes. Play "On top of Spaghetti" four times. (His favorite song)
Wait in office for 45 minutes. Feed crackers to restless child, read books and play with car.
Pick up books, crackers and car from the floor multiple times.
Apologize to other patrons for screaming child.
Finally get into room and nurse puts eye drops to dilate panic stricken child's eyes.
Wait another 20 minutes. In the mean time...
Walk fussy child around shady areas of parking lot trying to avoid sunlight. We live in FL hello!
Pick tantrum throwing child up from parking lot put into stroller.
Feed banana. Pick banana up from pavement.
Push stroller around in circle inside office waiting room 38 times.
Listen to my hunger pains.
Finally get in to see Dr. ...
Remove child's hands from expensive equipment repeatedly. Over. And Over.
Dr. looks into child's eyes, he is fine. Must return in six months.
Ignore my hunger pains.
Sit in rush hour traffic for one hour.
Play "On top of Spaghetti" 13 times on ride home and sing along.
Praise Jesus when we pull into driveway.

After this nightmare superman's molars start to peak through his pink gums turning him into grumpy stinkerpants for the rest of the evening. We listened to whining and crying the majority of our night. Tylenol does not work! Damn that Tylenol! One of the worst feelings is not being able to help an upset child. I reached my breaking point. This particular day was the straw that broke the camel's back. I deal with his frustration and pour myself a heaping cup of patience on a daily basis. That's what parents do.

At one point, I look to my husband and say, "I just can't do this anymore. No, FOR REAL! Being a mom, the whole stay at home mommy thing. It is just not for me. I quit." And I was serious. Where is the nearest day care center? When does school start? If the nearest exit is located behind me I'm turning around. Take me out coach I don't like this game. It's days like this that are good for population control.

Today is another story. Superman was happy and in turn so was I. His smile lit up the room multiple times. He was so cute in the bathtub tonight splashing around that I actually thought of having another child. For a mere second I thought, "Another bambino sure would be fun." It's days like this that keep the human species going.

See, I'm nutty. Crazy. Insane. I tol ya so. I don't know either of these women. How can I go from one extreme to another so quickly? Medication, do they make medication for this? I'd like some please.

What am I doing?

I have a confession to make. As a mom, I have no idea what I'm doing. I always thought that parents knew stuff. I thought that I'd get to a certain point in my life and exclaim "I know about a lot of stuff!" and then be ready to have kids. But at 33 that time never came and I figured I'd better have a baby while I was still dumb and naive or I'd miss my opportunity.

The truth is I'm just winging this whole parent thing. As soon as I get the hang of a certain stage in my son's life he grows up a bit and then there is a new stage I know nothing about. I read some books here and there and they gave me little tips on how to make things easier. But there are plenty of times I look at my husband and shrug my shoulders and go I dunno. This happens a lot!

When my son was born early the nurses referred to me as "mom". I think they just didn't want to remember all the parents names in the neonatal intensive care unit. I was like who? Me? Mom? Because he was early I wasn't ready to be a mom but I stepped up to the challenge. And I do so every day cause that's what moms do.

When we took my son on his first vacation last year across the state to Amelia Island we were a mess. We looked something like a National Lampoon's vacation and the two Stooges. We had no idea how my son would handle being off his schedule (kids need a schedule as I was told), sleeping in a hotel or the three hour car ride. He went easy on his clueless parents. God bless him.

When he got croup last year and had a cough that sounded like a dog barking.... I had no idea what to do. But I knew giving him beef snausages was not the answer (it works for the dog). Choking on a cracker...is it pat on the back or sweep his mouth?
Attacted by mosquito's...Benedryl? Ice pack? For that one we brought him to the urgent care center when his eye swelled shut.
Waking in the middle of the night...cry it out? Who can listen to their baby cry for hours on end?
I still am dumbfounded on what to do when he bites my husband and I. Time out didn't work. Or maybe we didn't do it right? I know I don't want to spank but why not?

So once again I'm faced with an issue. Superman has had the poops and I mean the worst poops ever for five days. No fever though. We have tried the bland diet to no avail. This afternoon I'm taking him to the doctor. And I'm sure he will look at my son, look at me and tell me I'm crazy and worrying about nothing. And I will look at him and say "I'm a first time mom!" But I will bring him in anyway. Cause I have no idea what I'm doing! Please world, go gentle on me.

Crap. What would you do?

I know this has happened to you. Don't pretend like it hasn't. You are out and about, going about your business and suddenly it hits you...time to do your business! I expect this kind of thing if I go to Starbucks and smell their coffee. What is it about the smell of coffee? I usually don't talk about this kind of stuff but I must share my experience that almost turned me into somebody that I didn't recognize.

I was at Publix (insert Pathmark for you people living up North) grocery (insert food for those of you living down South) shopping and I noticed half way through the store a little strange feeling down below. I thought eh, I can wait till I get home. I hate to use the bathroom for #2 in a public place. I quickly finished my shopping and headed toward the checkout line. One person ahead of me. I start to read the cover of the magazines to get my mind off of my problem and I wait...and wait. Hmm I really gotta go! I start to load (forgive me for using this word at a time like this) my groceries onto the belt while the person ahead of me finishes up. Wait. What is she doing? Writing a check! Noooo! Oh for Pete's sake! Are you kidding me? Who writes checks anymore? Where is your debit card woman? Oh and don't tell me the old lady is working the cash register today. The old lady who loves to chit chat about nothing. They are taking their sweet old time laughing it up. Alright people, this isn't funny, I gotta go! NOW! Move along sweet cakes. And I mean pronto! Suddenly, I'm wishing horrible things on this woman in front of me. I'm hoping she can feel my hatred through the back of her head.

I finish unloading my groceries onto the belt. Suddenly I hate being tall. Why? Cause tall people must bend over into the cart to pick up the junk they want to buy. Repeatedly. And bending over is not the position you want to be in when nature calls.

Finally Thelma and Louise are finished with their gab-a-thon. I'm up. OK lady just move quickly and nobody gets hurt. Scan, scan, scan sister! Today is not my lucky day. She has an ace bandage on her wrist. She starts in with "Hi...beeep (scanning sound)...how are you...beeep? Did you...beep...find everything you were...beeep...looking for?" I'm like "Yeah, whatever hi yes." Panic sets in. I'm now crossing my legs. Oh good there is a bagger here “paper please.” "So...beep...how about the Rays (baseball)...beeep." "Isn't it wonderful how well...beep...they are doing? Don't you just love ...beep...baseball?" Me:"Um no I don't follow baseball." It must be bagger boys first day on the job because he is packing my bags so slowly you'd think he was carefully placing newborn babies in there! Me: "Ya know, you can just throw the stuff in there I'm kinda in a rush." Beep, beep, beep, beep. Jeez how much crap am I buying...will the beeping ever end? Cashier: "Baseball used to be the American past time...beeep..beeep. I remember when....."(My thoughts start to trail off as she rambles on.) Dear God, please don't let me shit my pants. Not here, not now, not in public. Will I actually shit myself? A grown woman shitting herself. I'm breaking out in a sweat at this point I'm sure of it. I start to recite every prayer in my head that I know. I pray to God, Jesus and every saint I know. Crap, why don't I go to church? Who are the disciples? Who was at the table with Jesus?

"Ma'am do you want your meat wrapped in a plastic bag?"
"Oh isn't this a pretty nail polish color. Are you going to do your nails later?"
"I didn't know they made soy nuggets."

Beep. Beep. Beep.
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "Hurry the F up! Please for the love of God and all that's holy!!!"
Beep. Beep. Beep.
And then I hear the most amazing words in the English language:
"Your total is..."
Oh thank God!!!!
Bagger boy wants to know if I want help out to my car with my cart.
"I'm not going to my car!" I exclaim as I haul ass over to the restrooms.

And then it's over, as quickly as it was brought on. If only I had gone straight to the public restroom none of this would have ever happened.

Why does Al Roker do the food segments?

Do you ever watch the Today show in the mornings? I put it on and glance up at it every now and then while superman is destroying the house and I am putting out fires. Every time there is a segment on cooking Al Roker is the one interviewing the chef. But not just interviewing, he helps cook and certainly tastes all the yummy dishes. I have to wonder, why on earth do they have the fat guy who had stomach surgery to help him lose weight do the food segments??? Matt does politics, Ann does the news, the Viera lady does the feel good stories and Natalie does family stuff. C'mon couldn't Al switch with Viera? Does he hafta do food?

Poor Al has had a long battle with food. I'm sure it was a tough decision to get the surgery done. He lost a whole bunch of weight afterwards. But then they took him from just doing the weather to talking about food! Whose brilliant idea was that? That would be like having Courtney Love do a segment on heroine. I wonder what the conversation went like when his boss and producer called him into their office one day to tell him his new job role. "Al, we are going to have you work with food. Our viewers identify you with food. Now, I know it's your poison so you are just going to have to be tough and suck it up. Well not really suck up all the food but you get my idea. Ok?" What was Al to do?

Have you ever seen the section on your job description at the bottom in fine print that says "and other things as needed." It leaves a whole lot open for responsibility. Well Al's "other things as needed" include eating and obsessing over recipes. So if he gains all the weight that he lost back I say it's not his fault. I blame his boss. I think he may have a lawsuit on his chubby hands.

Who would hire these two?

When I was planning superman's first birthday party I wanted it to be a really special celebration. I wondered how I was going to entertain the guests. Should we rent a bounce house? Should we get a juggler? What about a balloon sculptor? What kind of theme should we have? The best parties always have themes. We went with a farm theme party at our community park. I bought farm themed plates, napkins, banners and balloons. The animals in the theme were cute and colorful. For entertainment I hired a petting farm to come out. Yes, I hired a petting farm for my son's first birthday.

Anyway, when I was thinking of entertainment for our party never did I imagine clowns like this! What freaks. I found these "clowns" when I was driving into NYC this past weekend and they were driving next to me. "Hip Hop Magicians" is what they are called. Specifically "Uncle Majic" and "Shock-Kim" the clown. What kind of crazy names are those? I don't want any kind of entertainer for my child who has the word Shock in the name! They are more like the Insane Clown Posse. And they claim to be Seen on TV...what TV show is this? Or do they have an infomercial?

http://www.hiphopmagicians.com/

With a name like Hip Hop magicians it makes me think that they can do a little hocus pocus and make my car or jewelry disappear. I bet they show up to your house like an hour late smelling like they smokey smoked up before they got there. Hmm maybe that would make them pretty darn funny if they were high. Call me judgmental, but would you hire these two? I don't know if it was Uncle Magic or Shock Kim driving the car but they were pissed that I took this picture. Pissed off hip hop clowns...not something you see every day!

What famous people would you be friends with?

Imagine you have a sprawling home in Beverly Hills. With like 10 bedrooms and a maid. Who would you hang out with? While I had a migraine today I laid there in bed and thought about this. Hmmm...

I think I would be friends with Julia Roberts. She seems down to earth and has a good head on her shoulders. We'd lounge around and watch movies and stuff at home. We'd watch TLC in our sweat pants and comment on the home renovations. Our kids (with uncommon names) could play together at the park. She'd be the friend I'd call when I just needed to talk. We could be seen at Barnes n ' Nobles reading books and drinking lattes and talking about how our husbands drive us crazy. And I’d ask her “What were you thinking Juls (that's what I call her) with the whole Lyle Lovette thing?” I can ask her things like that, we’re friends.

Jenny McCarthy would be my fun friend. We would crack jokes and make fun of people till our stomachs hurt. I'd join in her autism cause and she'd join in my cause to fight prematurity. We would do silly things in public (wearing big sunglasses and wigs so nobody would recognize us) like jumping in public water fountains and people would wonder who those wackos were. My husband and I would double date for Sushi with Jenny and Jim of course.

One of my BFF's would be Chelsea Handler. She is hilarious! And her little buddy Chewie could hang with us too. Where did she find that guy? Such a strange combo. We could go out on Saturday nights in L.A to all the hot spots and make jokes about the famous people who think they are too cool. One of us would undoubtedly break one of our heels off of our shoe and have to hobble home.

I'd love to hang with Sheryl Crow. She'd be my health nut friend and I think she'd be really good for me. We could go to the health food store and by organic fruit and soy beans and she'd show me how to eat wheat grass smoothies. We'd talk about Lance and how he broke her heart. And I'd tell her when God closes one door he opens another.

Oh, and Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz. The three of us would eat ice cream and flip through celebrity mags just for fun. We'd go shopping together and talk about sex. Drew likes to get pedi’s while Cameron prefers a mani. We’d complain how annoying the paparazzi are and Cameron would give them the middle finger.

And a guy friend, who would be my guy friend? Every girl should have one good guy friend. How about Clinton from the show What Not to Wear? He is brutally honest and incredibly sarcastic. I love him. He would tell me about all the latest fashion trends but forgive me for not wearing skinny jeans. My other guy friend would be Matthew Machoney. We’d have this crazy attraction for one another but we’d know in the back of our minds that a relationship just wouldn’t work. And I’d joke around all the time about how he needs to take a shower and marry the momma of his baby.

You have to pick your friends wisely. There are so many celebs that just seem weird like Katie/Tom, Britney and Paris. I just don't have time to listen to all of their drama. Does Katie even have friends?

Why does Sara Snow bug me?

Do you know who Sara Snow is? She is the guru on going green. She has her own show on T.V. called "Get Fresh with Sara Snow". It is about eating organics, embracing local businesses, composting, recycling, natural cleaning and more. It all sounds good right? Yeah, yeah, yeah I guess whatever. I think she bugs me cause she seems so darn perfect.

She is all into recycling everything. On last night's show she found a place in NYC that recycles yogurt cups (and only yogurt cups). They send them to a company that makes razors out of them. As if that wasn't enough if you send back your used razor to the company hey make park benches out of it. She also found a company that recycles used glass bottles and turns them into counter tops. And then a company who recycles clothing. Did you know polyester is made out of petroleum? But seriously, who has time to go to all these different places to recycle all this stuff. I have a hard enough time with just one or two recycling bags that I leave out at the end of my driveway. I bet this woman recycles her dental floss.

There was a segment about eating from local farms. You should only eat what was made in a 100 miles radius from your home. Great concept but with urban sprawl I have no idea where a local farm is in the area. Seriously, I have never seen one. Cows sure but a farm that produces fruit and veggies? There is a guy who sells fruit and stuff from his van on the side of the road but I just don't trust it. Call me paranoid.

She is a pretty, young 30 something, so why the annoyance with her? I don't really know. Watch her show, tell me what you think. Do you see a little Martha Stewart attitude going on? I do.