Monday, January 25, 2010

How Much Suffering is Too Much?

I have a very low tolerance for seeing people and animals pain. I am such a sucker for the down and out. I crumble under the tears and filth of the homeless. I once gave 75 cents to a homeless guy who had a sign that read “Homeless and Need a Beer, Aint that the Truth!” If I were homeless I’d sure want to be drunk or high too. But how much suffering do we really need to see and hear about?

Have you ever seen the commercials for the Christian Children’s Fund with the poor kids living in squalor? Their bellies are distended; they have flies swarming around their faces and dirty clothes on? They had me at shoeless. I can’t bear to watch the videos, just tell me where to send my check. The commercials must have gotten to my mom to cause she adopted a sponsor child years ago. When she passed away my sister took over the care of him. And now my sister has been sponsoring this boy for so long that he is ready for a retirement home….or a retirement hut as the case may be in Kenya. I sponsor a little girl in Uganda.

Don’t even get me started on the ASPCA commercials for the abused and neglected dogs and cats. Ya know the ones with the starving dogs with their ribs showing and missing patches of fur. The ones with the one eyed cat and mangy mutts. Did you see the part when the kitten reaches through the bars of the cage as if he is reaching out to say “Help me! Please tell me the numbers to your bank account so I can drain it” And if the pictures weren’t bad enough they have Sarah McLaughlin singing about how they’re in “The Arms of the Angels.” Heck, I’ll be your angel little puppies! I want to take all of them home and nurse them back to health right in my own living room. Hold on tight, I’m coming to get your out of there! Those nasty people won’t hurt you ever again. How much do I send? God just make the commercial stop! I have several collage roommates that can attest to the fact that I have taken in strays and lost all reasonable sanity in the process because I smelled a tiny wafting of their suffering and had to step in.

And what about the people in Haiti? My heart just breaks for them. So much death and destruction is just unimaginable. These poor people were well, so darn poor to start with before the earthquake. The news said that 600, 000 people were now homeless. But I have a feeling that the majority of them were homeless before the earthquake too. So I probably would have given money to them before the quake. I’ve seen the video of the people being pulled from the ruble and I just want to offer them a smoothie and cool shower. Some guy drank his own piss for 10 days! Holy crap! Give that man some mouthwash, a gift card to Ruth’s Chris steakhouse and a Tetanus shot! And the kids, the poor children. I have been this close to investigating getting’ me a Haitian orphan too. I went so far as to ask my hubby if he would want a boy or girl. Girl it is. But I really could have done without seeing the dead bodies in a garbage pile on Dateline. They just went too far with that.

And last but not least I have to call your attention to a book that I was given for my birthday by my oldest sister. It’s called “Half the Sky.” It’s about turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide. I’m all about liberating women but I can’t stomach reading one more page of this book. It goes into great detail about rape, prostitution and human trafficking that is taking place in India, Asia and the Middle East. It is horrific and trust me I was on board with helping to create change on page one. There is no need for me to read 13 more chapters on this topic. They should have just put the title of the book and an 800 number for me to call with my credit card information on the cover. That’s enough. I’m having nightmares of these poor girls from the stories that I read.

UPDATE: I have an email from the Humane Society in my in box titled “Animals in Haiti Need Your Help”…a double whammy and I’m not opening it because I’m sure their will be pictures attached to it.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Why Are Sales People So Annoying?

Sales people are everywhere! In stores, gas stations, on the phone and yes even in your doctor’s office. When did sales people becomes such royal pain in the ass douchebags? I don’t remember it being this bad like 10 years ago. Everyone is so desperate for money because the economy is so bad, fine I get it. It’s like salespeople have all turned into the kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire. They run up to you shouting “Wanna buy this, how bout that?” I get panic attacks just going to the mall. The people in the food court practically throw food samples at you as you walk by. Ouch, did I just get his with some MooGoo Gai Pan? One lady who did eyebrow threading at the mall yelled to me from her store that I REALLY needed to shape my brows, and she could help me. What? So insulting!

I went to the dentist today for a regular cleaning. Just a regular God. Damn. Tooth cleaning. Simple right? Na, not any more! They tried to sell me two sets of x-rays. Why two sets if I only have one set of teeth? The Dental Coordinator (that’s what it said on her name tag) told me I HAD to have the extra panoramic x-rays as well as the regular ones. I told her I was not paying for anything not covered by my insurance. She says “Well I know times are tough but we have to take care of ourselves right?” Thanks for the emotional check up Dr. Phil. Whatever, not paying for two sets. So the dentist comes in and looks at my REGULAR x-rays and tells me I have a few cavities. He leaves and “the coordinator” comes back with two separate estimates 1. The teeth cleaning and 2. The cavities to be filled. The tooth cleaning with my insurance is over $283!!!! It has crap in there like a Flex Care Dispensing Unit for $119. And Oraqix Cartridge for $20.00 What the hell is that? And to get my cavities filled is more than $230! Yes, that is WITH insurance. So, I left. With no work done, no sale made and an hour of my time wasted. I guess we’ll have to sacrifice diapers, tampons and fresh produce this month so I can get dental work done.

Even with all the extra crap taken out of the dental bill why was it so much money with insurance? Was another sales scam taking place within the insurance company too? When I got home I pulled out the paper work that I had from the dental insurance company and it says on their flyer:
Benefits NO CHARGE:
2 Routine Cleanings per year

I called our sales agent and she told me only certain kinds of cleanings, x-rays and fillings were at no charge. I argued that the flyer was misleading. It lead me to believe that all cleanings, x-rays and fillings were…NO CHARGE. I told her there should be an asterisks saying *only covers certain types. She said well if we put an asterisk next to each one nobody would buy the plan. And I said EXACTLY! Yet another rude scheming sales person!

A while back I went shopping for a dress for my sister’s wedding. I went to Ann Taylor, Macy’s, Dillard’s, Express, Bebe and Nordstrom’s. As soon as I walked into each store, I got some way overly eager beaver who screams “Hellllllooooo, Welcooome to ___!!!!” from all the way in the back of the store or fitting room. Weird isn’t it, to be greeted from so far away? I know it’s uncomfortable to have someone invade your personal space up close but it’s also strange when someone greets you from way out of your personal greeting parameter. And have you noticed that they try and strike up a conversation with you like an old friend? “How are we (what’s with the “we” when you are speaking to me?) today? What brings you into Express?” Umm I need clothes jackass! “Do you have a special occasion that you are shopping for? Don’t you just love that jacket? It would look great on you! What size are you?’ Leave me alone Ms. Cheesy, we’re not friends, not buddies and in fact you are the enemy and I know you are working on commission.

Then when you are in the dressing room they put their face up next to the door “Hi, how’s it going in there? I found a pair of jeans that would look great with that top you are trying on, do you like red?” OMG go away! I’m actually popping a zit on my back in here!!! Then when you check out at the “Cash Wrap” (not the plain old register any more) they try and snag a sale one more time. “Did you see the socks that went with your new shirt? They are on sale; buy 7 million pairs and get one free. The sale ends tomorrow. Are you sure? Allllright (waving socks in the air).” Then they ask for your phone number and email address! You want my digits and email? What are next are you going to add me as your friend on Facebook? This is why I love shopping online. If only I could get my dental work done in cyberspace.

BTW I give Flo a 9 1/2 out of 10 for annoying the crap out of me. Anyone else?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Sex is not just sex. Think about it. It's complicated. And for such a simple task there are really a million different ways to do it. And the places, oh my the different places to be having it in!

Let's review...There's the...
Wham bam thank you ma'am sex
Make up sex (You may have felt the earth move during this emotional interlude)
Break up sex (Which comes first break up then make up? Depends on the relationship right?) If it is true break up sex you are thinking to yourself the entire time from clothes off to clothes back on..."This may be the very last time we ever do it." Again, could be a bad thing. Could be a good thing.
One night stand sex
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel.
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel and Plan B (no prescription needed for that but it is located behind the pharmacy counter.)
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex that will only be in town for one night, never to return again. Now we're talking!
Adventurous sex, think Mile high club
Sex while you are at your parents house.
Sex in your parents bed while they are out.
Sex while the kids are in the house wondering if your bedroom door is locked and can't enjoy yourself until someone double checks.
Sex while the kids are sleeping (always without spanking noises).
Morning sex
All night sex. Ouch!
First time sex. Do I stay the night or go home? Does he/she want to stay the night? I don't have my make-up with me for the first viewing in the morning. Crap.
I forgot to shave sex.
Is someone watching us sex?
Sex in the car. Front seat or backseat?
Sex against the car. Also can be classified at adventurous sex.
Sex with the dog or cat watching/laying on the bed.
In every room in the house sex.
Breaking in a new car or house sex.
Sex with a boss, employee or janitor. Breaking the "never have sex with a co-worker" rule.
Middle of the afternoon, on a lunch break sex. Go back to office like nothing ever happened.
Sex while listening to a CD make just for sex.
Sex while the TV is on. Sex during the nightly news, so not sexy. Picturing Ted Kopel.
Sex while picturing someone else in your head. It's not cheating ya know!
Sex while thinking of your shopping list.
Sex on the beach which is way over rated.
Vacation sex. Awesome! But you already knew that.
First time sex.
Not your first time sex but it is their 1st time.
After his/her favorite sports team just won a game sex.
I just f'ed up really bad and I don't want you to find out about it sex.
I just spent a lot of money at Bloomingdale's and I'm trying to hide the receipt and bags sex.
Sex in the city.
Are we having sex or making love sex?
Sex with lots of dirty talking.
Sex with lots of dirty talk and someone just crossed the line.
That time of the month sex. Some people are into it some aren't.
Making a baby sex.
So don't feel like trying to make a baby sex AGAIN.
I think I like you but I'm not sure so let's see how this goes sex.
So not compatible in bed sex but the conversation over dinner was marvelous.
Conjugal visits in jail sex.
Sex with shoes on.
Oops I farted sex.
Honeymoon sex.
Sex while pregnant.
First time sex after a pregnancy.
Boring sex.
Sex in a hot tub.
Throw some meat under the door we are going to be in here for hours sex.
I just lost 20lbs sex.
I'm not doing what those people in that DVD are doing sex. How much did you pay for that porn?

Wow, choices are good thing aren't they? Now where is my husband?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why do People keep their Kids up so Late?

I'm at Barnes and Nobles...or is it Barnes n' Nobles? last night. Trying to have some alone time, some away from kids time and wouldn't you know of all kinds of ages were there at 10:50 at night! WTF!!!!!!!!!!

I love my child dearly but I also love when its nighty nighty time for him. It's finally the time when I get to be alone with my thoughts. When I get to put on my woman meets adult brain and remember what it's like to actually be interested in things other than tractors and Thomas the Train. I watch Rachel Maddow. I get to eat adult foods like Hummus and drink a Latte. I get to talk to my husband about our business, taxes and healthcare reform. At 8:09 I finally get the tune of "Bob the Builder" out of my head and listen to some Linkin Park. Can I hear it...YES I can! (If you have ever watched Bob the Builder you will know exactly what I am talking about).

The bookstore is my escape. It's quiet. I love that people are reading and thinking. Thinking intelligent thoughts. Or so I like to think. I read books about things I couldn't even dream about during my Gymboree Sesame Street Barney freakin' day. Like bird watching, religions of the world and yes self improvement. I don't want to hear whinning, shouting or even kid like giggling. Shut the F up this is a bookstore, it shares the same rules as a library SHHHHHHHH!!!

So, I have to ask parents of the universe why oh why are your kids not in bed at 10p.m.? Or at least at their house where they can drive YOU and only you insane in the privacy of your own home? Where they belong! It’s 10:50 p.m and Yes I know where YOUR children are!!!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Who You Gonna Call?

I would like to bring something very important to your attention. But only my readers of the US of A. So, if you live in say Serbia, don't bother reading this post. (I hear I have a huge following in Serbia...I'm popular with the Serbies…that’s my pet name for them). Serbia may not have the same policy as the U.S. you’ll see why in a minute.

Anyway. There is a question you must ask answer and I bet you never even thought to ask it. Here it is: If you get thrown in jail (I know, I know, it wasn't your fault) and you have only one phone call to make (you only get ONE call right? I have never been incarcerated so I cannot confirm this...but just go with me on this) WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL? Ghostbusters is the wrong answer.

Let’s look at our options:A parent? Nope, they'd never let you live your crime down. You would be reminded of your deed at every single holiday get together over the apple pie. Remember the time that ___ got arrested and we had to bail him out of jail?
A neighbor? No way, you'd be forever known as the neighborhood hoodlum.
A co-worker? Do you really want your boss to find out about this?
A friend? Which one? Would they make “bending down to pick up a bar of soap in jail” jokes from now until forever?

A mutual friend of my husband and me who will go by the name PDiddy picked my husband to be his "only one phone call friend." I thought that was a rather big compliment until I realized what being the "only one phone call friend" would entail. It's not an easy job by any means. Let’s explore.

Don’t ruin your one phone call and call someone who will only give you a shoulder to cry on and not take any action (That rules out all women cause we know women are good listeners.) Call a man. Men are fixers! Call someone who will bail your sorry orange jumpsuit wearing ass out of jail! It would have to be someone who would be willing to A) Answer the phone at all hours of the night if they see the county jail phone number on the caller ID B) Front you the cash to bail you out C) Not tell your spouse/family/co-workers about this little mishap D) Help you get your car out of the impound lot E) Feed your pets while you are away. That’s a lot to ask! What happens if you call your "only one phone call friend" and you get a busy signal? I know, call waiting, but just suppose your luck is as bad as mine and you do get a busy signal do you get to call back later? Does that make it two phone calls now? Or can you call your second choice back up friend? If they take away your cell phone do you even have any phone numbers memorized? If you left a message how does the person call you back? Suppose you got a wrong number? Suppose you called MOVIE PHONE by accident. Is the movie phone guy with that deep voice gonna help you out? “Press 1 for Goonies” Press 2 to be bailed out of jail. Nope. Not an option!

Lawyer…think Lawyer…yes, that seems like a great idea! But umm how do you find one at 3A.M? This is your first time in jail right? Can you call 411 for a phone number; but then you’ll be making two phone calls again. Is there a phone book next to the phone to look one up?

Ahhh so much to think about! “You must choose, but choose wisely” –Indiana Jones. Remember you only get ONE phone call…don’t mess this up! Bad things do happen to good people.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What's up with this freak?

Have you seen the show Dr. 90210? It is about plastic surgery in Beverly Hills. Yes, those kind of before and after shows are intriguing. But the real interesting part of the show is the main doctor Dr. Rey. At first he was just a normal plastic normal could one be whose job it is to rearrange someone's face?

But I think the fame has gone to his head! Have you seen his clothing choices? He is way beyond metrosexual with the highlights in his hair and his man cleavage.

He has no boundaries with his patients, most of whom are female. He calls them honey and beautiful but in a really skeevy way. He wears sleeveless scrubs...why? Turn on the AC if you are hot in the operating room. And he treats his waif of a wife like dirt. Eww, he just grosses me out!

This is him now.
Wow. Just wow.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Cares?

This is a post of random crap that I don't care about.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up for the third time. Who Cares? No, really does anybody care?

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Big Lips Jolie arguing over Brad Pitt. Girl fight or made up Bullshit? Either way just cut it out because no one really cares right?

OctoMom and her gazillion kids. I kinda care. Only because she has more chaos in her house than mine and that makes me feel better about my life. Next to her I'm a great freaking mom!

The Economy and all the details. Yes, I care but I don't want to hear about it just friggin' fix that shit!

Kelly Clarkson weighing like 189lbs. I don't care. I'm glad she is chubby. I can't stop singing her new song "My Life Would Suck Without You". But I suck at singing. And I can't sing it around superman cause her repeats everything I say and I don't want him saying the word SUCK.

Real Housewives of Any County. Nope, don't care. The whole trophy wife ideal is stupid.

Katie Holmes being brain washed by her husband. Who hasn't made some dumb choices for a man? I care about as much for what religion she is as I care for weeds in my yard. I do however care about the length of her bob.

Micheal Phelps smoking a bong. Raise your hand if you care. Put em up! I only care because they got pictures of that cocky trophy hording monger. That's funny shit!

Sarah Jessica Parker getting her mole removed. I care about cancer prevention.

The shows Lost and House. I don't care because well...I can't follow the plot therefore I am Lost.

The Snuggie. I don't care about it because I live in Florida and it's too warm to care about putting arms on my blanket.

and last but not least...drum roll please:

American Idol. I only care about watching this show in the beginning of the season when people sing and super suck at it. So hilarious! When they start getting good I stop watching it.