Saturday, July 4, 2009

Who You Gonna Call?

I would like to bring something very important to your attention. But only my readers of the US of A. So, if you live in say Serbia, don't bother reading this post. (I hear I have a huge following in Serbia...I'm popular with the Serbies…that’s my pet name for them). Serbia may not have the same policy as the U.S. you’ll see why in a minute.

Anyway. There is a question you must ask answer and I bet you never even thought to ask it. Here it is: If you get thrown in jail (I know, I know, it wasn't your fault) and you have only one phone call to make (you only get ONE call right? I have never been incarcerated so I cannot confirm this...but just go with me on this) WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL? Ghostbusters is the wrong answer.

Let’s look at our options:A parent? Nope, they'd never let you live your crime down. You would be reminded of your deed at every single holiday get together over the apple pie. Remember the time that ___ got arrested and we had to bail him out of jail?
A neighbor? No way, you'd be forever known as the neighborhood hoodlum.
A co-worker? Do you really want your boss to find out about this?
A friend? Which one? Would they make “bending down to pick up a bar of soap in jail” jokes from now until forever?

A mutual friend of my husband and me who will go by the name PDiddy picked my husband to be his "only one phone call friend." I thought that was a rather big compliment until I realized what being the "only one phone call friend" would entail. It's not an easy job by any means. Let’s explore.

Don’t ruin your one phone call and call someone who will only give you a shoulder to cry on and not take any action (That rules out all women cause we know women are good listeners.) Call a man. Men are fixers! Call someone who will bail your sorry orange jumpsuit wearing ass out of jail! It would have to be someone who would be willing to A) Answer the phone at all hours of the night if they see the county jail phone number on the caller ID B) Front you the cash to bail you out C) Not tell your spouse/family/co-workers about this little mishap D) Help you get your car out of the impound lot E) Feed your pets while you are away. That’s a lot to ask! What happens if you call your "only one phone call friend" and you get a busy signal? I know, call waiting, but just suppose your luck is as bad as mine and you do get a busy signal do you get to call back later? Does that make it two phone calls now? Or can you call your second choice back up friend? If they take away your cell phone do you even have any phone numbers memorized? If you left a message how does the person call you back? Suppose you got a wrong number? Suppose you called MOVIE PHONE by accident. Is the movie phone guy with that deep voice gonna help you out? “Press 1 for Goonies” Press 2 to be bailed out of jail. Nope. Not an option!

Lawyer…think Lawyer…yes, that seems like a great idea! But umm how do you find one at 3A.M? This is your first time in jail right? Can you call 411 for a phone number; but then you’ll be making two phone calls again. Is there a phone book next to the phone to look one up?

Ahhh so much to think about! “You must choose, but choose wisely” –Indiana Jones. Remember you only get ONE phone call…don’t mess this up! Bad things do happen to good people.

1 comment:

christy said...

ok i DO so hope that my getting thrown in the clink days (thank you adrianne, the Brant Beach Acme manager, and the LBI pd) are long gone. But....should it happen again (ya know....say i get the overwhelming desire to get drunk and spray whipped cream around the grocery store bathroom at 3am with my bff and a few other underage vacationers) i really don't know who i would call. you know why? because we weren't even given that option. i think the one phone call deal is a rumor...or urban legend. either that or the cops at the beach haven pd were just having way too much fun laughing at our dumb asses to grant us our phone call! not that we would have had the first clue who to call. one, being that dad would have KILLED me. and two being that no one had phones down the shore back then. or cell phones. or money! whos a teenager gonna call?? haha. nowadays it would probably be diana. shes local....shes a lawyer. one stop shopping. oh yeah, but those holiday jokes...