Monday, July 21, 2008

Whose time am I on?

Certainly not mine! I have learned a very valuable lesson from my superman. Here's how:

When I was pregnant with him he was measuring very large for his age. We were told I may have to have a c-section because he might get too big. Then he was born 10 weeks too early and surprised us all! Good thing he was big for his age. As he spent 8 weeks and one day in the hospital he progressed at his own pace learning to maintain his body temperature, eating from a bottle, recovering from heart surgery and slowly but surely getting through apnea and bradycardia episodes. He couldn't leave the hospital until he recovered from apnea (when he would stop breathing) and brady spells (his heart would stop beating) on his own. This took forever! At one point he was the biggest baby in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). We used to joke around that the school bus was just going to pick him up at the hospital to take him to kindergarten because he was there so long. I remember saying to my husband that I was sooo sick of going to the hospital, I just wanted him home already. Eventually he got the hang of it and he came home. Yay!

Fast forward to today. He is 17 months old and developmentally superman still takes his sweet old time. He is somewhere between his adjusted age, 14 1/2 months old (when he was supposed to be born) and his real age. He crawled just after his first birthday and took a few steps three weeks ago. But he decided that walking was just not his thing so he stopped that and went back to crawling. I occasionally get these weird looks when we are out in public from people because my son is so large and not walking yet. "C'mon hurry up baby! Walk it out will ya?" I secretly think this to myself all the time. But he also started to try and eat with a spoon and this typically doesn't happen until 18 months so he is ahead on that. Huh?

This week superman came down with some nasty cold, poopy viral infection. yuck! He can't sleep well and he can't drink anything because he can't breath. My husband calls him Cybil (from the lady with the multiple personalites) because sometimes he acts just fine and a second later he is crying...sometimes a combination of both. What is that about? Two days this week it rained the ENTIRE day so I was stuck in the house with a sick baby. None of us had any sleep either. Not. Fun. I kept asking myself "When will this end?" Two nights ago in the middle of him being Mr. Crankypants he got up in the middle of the floor and started walking! Fell, got up and walked again! Where did this come from? Aren't kids supposed to sleep and nap a lot when they are sick? Not my child, he hits major milestones when he is sick!

There is a book called "What to Expect...the Toddler Years." I never bought it because what they tell me to expect and when to expect it never happens with my son. He walks (I can now say WALKS!) to the beat of his own drum. He has shown me that I can try and rush him all I want but he goes at his own pace...sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. He wakes up when he wants, gets sick, hungry, thirsty for juice and I just have to be patient and play by his rules.

Have you seen the moive Fast Times At Ridgemont High? It’s one of my favorites. Jeff Spicoli (the student) is always bothering Mr. Hann (his teacher) and their class. In one scene Spicoli orders a pizza for himself that arrives in class. Finally Mr. Hann says to Spicoli "I will not have you taking up my time like this!" And Spicoli replies "If you're here AND I'm here isn't it OUR time?" Kinda reminds me of my relationship with my superman.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Where is the old lady?

I'm right here. Or I should say I was the old bag at the club last night.

My friend and I decided that we really wanted to go dancing. Just to hear some great music and let loose. We haven't gone dancing in years and are a little rusty about the whole scene. Now this friend and I have a long running history of dancing the night away. On top of speakers to be exact, without a care in the world. As we discovered some things have changed over the years, some have remained the same. The biggest change is that my friend and I are both stay at home moms. And I think we lost our mojo for coolness, dancing and all things hip. This is so incredibly sad.

Things that have changed:
I had nothing cool to wear. Jeans are still a staple but I have not bought a cute top in two years. Style? I have none. Nursing bra tops, oh yes I have several of those. I had to rig up a bra to fit a spaghetti top shirt. Accessories? My sex pot hoop earrings had some green stuff on them because I haven't worn them in so long. Belt or no belt? Agonizing. Night time make up...hmmm? Would more make up make me look older like Mrs. Roper? And I actually had to go out earlier that day and buy a pair of black sandals since my old ones broke.

We had no clue where to go dancing. Where was the trendy club in town with great music? We picked a place that one of us went to like a year and a half ago. We approached the building and suddenly couldn’t figure out what line to get in! We certainly were not VIP unless VIP stands for Very Old People. How could we be so stupid as to not figure out our lane? And then the big question: Would we be carded? We offered up our ID’s and the bouncer actually chuckled. So not funny! I thought he was going to make a joke of there being a senior special on drinks that night.

The crowd was a mix of trailer park trash meets early 20 somethings who shop at Forever 21. The music was pretty good and I think the DJ knew old peeps where in the house when he mixed in “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” from 1985.

There are two ways a guy will get a woman to dance. 1. He can casually move in closer to her area on the dance floor until he is dancing against any north, south, east or west end of her body. 2. He can ask her to dance. And this is where the highlight of my night comes in! A black guy asked me to dance! Suddenly it hit me, I knew that at 35 I was still a hot bitch! (Years back this was a regular occurrence for me. We never could figure it out?)

Things that have not changed:
There were plenty of hoochy mamas showing off way too much boobage and upper thigh. We spotted a few bacheroette parties and we wanted to run up and tell the bride that after tonight she will no longer be cool in a weird sorta way.

Next to us on the dance floor was a couple with their tongues down each other throats and grouping one another as if they were in a hotel room by themselves. Another couple was engaging in some strange kind of mating ritual. He was humping her and she was bent over touching the floor. I thought they were playing twister.

By the end of the night my friend and I were hobbling back to our cars in pain. Our feet were killing us and I thought for a second that my toes had turned into bloody nubs. Damn those new shoes! Just like the old days. Good times. Good times.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Why do so many banks get held up in Tampa?

What is with all the hold ups? Tampa in 2007 had 39 bank robberies!

When I used to live in NJ (and that is really hard for me to say in the past tense) I never remember hearing about any banks being robbed. I thought bank robberies were from the days of the wild wild west. It seems so caveman like to go into a bank, hold it up with a gun and steal some money. How do so many people get away with it? Where is the technology to prevent this insanity I ask you? We can send people into space but we can't prevent thugs from holding up a bank?

Now that I live in Tampa (I'm gasping at the thought) it seems like every day I hear about a bank robbery. And not just in the bad parts of town but literally in my backyard. We have, and I kid you not 7 banks within a quarter mile of my house. Evey strip mall also has one nail salon and Chinese take out. Gotta love urban sprawl. This is supposed to be suburban living at its best. Now I know Tampa is technically part of "the South". And I have come to accept that things are still a little backwards down here. But it would not surprise me in the least if some of these bank robbers are riding off on their horses with a bag full of cash. It happens so often here that I don't even think the cops go after the bad guys anymore. I guess its not worth letting your donuts get stale over.

How difficult could it be to rob a bank? How much money do these people actually get? Are we talking hundreds, thousands of dollars? Why does it seem to happen so much more often here rather than up North? Are the criminals up North into more elaborate crimes that pull in bigger numbers? And do people actually have to get down on the ground during a hold up? Or was that just in the movies? Why lay down on the floor anyway?

Bank robberies, all the more reason to just go through the drive though. Does anyone still go into the bank? Hello people that is what ATM cards are for! Did I mention how convenient online banking is?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Men, what are they good for?

Men. What are the really good for? I got married for a coupla reasons. I found a great guy is reason #1. I was tired of eating dinner by myself every freakin' night. I wanted to take a lover. I hate that phrase. Yes, I have THOSE needs but I also need a man with killer instincts. I guess when I said "I Do" I thought my husband would just do some things instinctively. Like take out the garbage. This was just assumed in our house. We never talked about it but some how the garbage gets taken out on a regular basis. I don't even remember what days are garbage days. That's his business and he is good at it and I do enough nagging around here so if he misses a day I don't even know about it. Another instinct: Tools. I just thought all guys liked tools. Boy does my husband like tools. He could get a power drill for Valentine's Day and think its the best most romantic gift ever. I don't get it but whatever. And I, instinctively know where all lost things of his are; one left shoe, calculator, keys, a cd etc.

Now here is where my husband goes wrong. I'm eating in the kitchen yesterday by myself. I hear this buzssszzz buzzzzSSSzzz sound. No, it wasn't his power drill. It was the kind of annoying buzzz buzzssszzzz sound that can only come from a flying insect. I look over and there is the mother of all flying ants! It was the black queen Elizabeth of bugs. She was buzzing to get out, mad as hell and going through menopause. So I scream cause it scares the crap out of me "HONEY get in here quick!" And what does he do? He says "what?" from the other end of the house. This is a life or death situation here folks! Suppose she attacks, suppose I'm allergic to her venom? We have no Eppie pen in the house. Time is of the essence! No time to dwindle and take our sweet ol' time. This is war! No time to mosey on in and call Dick Cheany to come up with some kind of strategic attack. If I said the house was on fire you don't stand around and ask questions, you get your smart little ass outta there in a heartbeat.

What I wanted him to do...what most normal men do is run in, grab a newspaper, tell woman to stand back, and whack the shit out of the little beast. But no, it takes a little arguing to actually get him into the kitchen. He looks around, inside drawers, in cabinets for something to mame the bug. Finally 37 minutes later he takes a swing. And another, and another. FOUR swings later the thing is squirming around on the floor. It's not even dead yet! Dear God man where are your killer instincts? What happened to my protector? My hero? My Superman?

Sheesh, I think it's time to call the exterminator.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Why are these shoes so popular if they are ugly?

I used to have a bumper sticker on my desk in college that read, "What is Right is not Always Popular and what is Popular is not Always Right." It reminds me that sometimes I have to go against the grain. So it is with this motto that I sit here and finally proclaim after so many months that CROCS are freakin' ugly! They are the American equivalent of wooden Dutch clogs. They do not flatter any one's foot, ankle or leg. As all good shoes should flatter one or all. Think of the sexy strappy sandal that laces around your ankle. It slims your ankle and is somewhat provocative. You could be 10lbs over weight, roots need to be highlighted, mascara smeared but heck you've got strappy sandals on! Feeling hot? Yes I am thank you! Just like magic.

But the sexiness at ALL! I hate to tell you all this but they do nothing for your "look". I mean how many guys would check out a woman at the mall in a pair of rubber gardening shoes? "Hey Bill check out the clunkers on that chick, man she is hot!" So not happening.

Rubber shoes are funny looking. Are they even made of rubber? I'll Google it. Now I did own a pair of "Jellies" back in... what was it elementary school? But those were cute and very similar to "flats". They had cute patterns on them. Crocs have holes and a dumb strap that people don't even bother to put behind their heel. So kinda like a slinky sling back but not so slinky. A thick rubber band is so wrong!

I understand some people who work in kitchens or the medical field need special shoes so they don't slip. But I think the old white nurse shoes with a wedge heal were better than these. Maybe I can see kids wearing them but the shoes are big and clumsy, not very supportive for running and playing. For Pete's sake (who is Peter anyway?) they were meant for gardening people! They were created to be near dirt and worms.

Ya know what gets me worst of all? MEN wearing Crocs! Grown Men! At Newark Airport I saw a whole family of Croc wearing idiots. The mom, kids and dad all had Crocs on. The dad was wearing nice dress pants with a pair of beige Crocs. Are you kidding me! I know you are thinking, maybe they weren't from the U.S.? Sometimes foreigners wear funky shoes. But oh yes, they were!

Please for the love of God, toss your Crocs out if you have a pair. No, better yet put them outside and use them as a planter to hold flowers. They'd be perfect for that! Remember Crocs love dirt and worms.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Stupid Use of Words

Who determines what words are "in"?
I feel old because I don't know all of the cool words anymore. It just makes me mad. Back in my day...oh God did I just say Back in my day? That's how you know I'm old too. We said "awesome" "cool" "as if" "the bomb or da bomb" and "don't go there". Then one day that wasn't cool anymore. And you were a loser if you said it (with a big L on your forehead.) That's not cool to say anymore either. But who decided that? I mean is there a coalition of cool wordsmiths that has an annual meeting? "The coalition of cool wordsmiths will now come to order! First up on the agenda the word "Biotch". In or out? Ah, let's give it six more months and then it is officially uncool. All those in favor say I."

There are a few words that are in now and they truly annoy the piss out of me. The first one is: Super. Super is super stupid! I think Marcia used to say this on the Brady Bunch. Now I know fashion comes back around but words? It should have been left in the 70's.

I think I caught on to this one quickly: Fabulous. But can we stop with it already? I've had enough of everything slightly flashy being fabulous. Fergie had a song about this but it came out like two years ago. Kimmora, c'mon find a new term.

Going Green. Alright people I know we all want to save the planet but use of this term is getting out of hand. Get off the bandwagon and nobody gets hurt and that means you too Al.

However there is a new term that I am quite fond of: Hot Mess. I'm still not quite sure how to use it. I feel like a teenager with a learner's permit. I think it applies to women but I have seen it used for other persons, places and things. I also love the terms: Random and Interesting. Because of its general use I can apply the word "random" to just about anything that doesn't belong. And "interesting" is a perfectly PC word to use when someone says something that is stupid or nuts but you can't tell them that.

Alllrighty then (Jim Carey), peace out (not in) dudes (debatable).
If you come up with a word that is just a hot mess and you want to add it into the English language: Merriam-Webster lets you recommend a word for inclusion in their open dictionary at