Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Sex is not just sex. Think about it. It's complicated. And for such a simple task there are really a million different ways to do it. And the places, oh my the different places to be having it in!

Let's review...There's the...
Wham bam thank you ma'am sex
Make up sex (You may have felt the earth move during this emotional interlude)
Break up sex (Which comes first break up then make up? Depends on the relationship right?) If it is true break up sex you are thinking to yourself the entire time from clothes off to clothes back on..."This may be the very last time we ever do it." Again, could be a bad thing. Could be a good thing.
One night stand sex
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel.
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel and Plan B (no prescription needed for that but it is located behind the pharmacy counter.)
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex that will only be in town for one night, never to return again. Now we're talking!
Adventurous sex, think Mile high club
Sex while you are at your parents house.
Sex in your parents bed while they are out.
Sex while the kids are in the house wondering if your bedroom door is locked and can't enjoy yourself until someone double checks.
Sex while the kids are sleeping (always without spanking noises).
Morning sex
All night sex. Ouch!
First time sex. Do I stay the night or go home? Does he/she want to stay the night? I don't have my make-up with me for the first viewing in the morning. Crap.
I forgot to shave sex.
Is someone watching us sex?
Sex in the car. Front seat or backseat?
Sex against the car. Also can be classified at adventurous sex.
Sex with the dog or cat watching/laying on the bed.
In every room in the house sex.
Breaking in a new car or house sex.
Sex with a boss, employee or janitor. Breaking the "never have sex with a co-worker" rule.
Middle of the afternoon, on a lunch break sex. Go back to office like nothing ever happened.
Sex while listening to a CD make just for sex.
Sex while the TV is on. Sex during the nightly news, so not sexy. Picturing Ted Kopel.
Sex while picturing someone else in your head. It's not cheating ya know!
Sex while thinking of your shopping list.
Sex on the beach which is way over rated.
Vacation sex. Awesome! But you already knew that.
First time sex.
Not your first time sex but it is their 1st time.
After his/her favorite sports team just won a game sex.
I just f'ed up really bad and I don't want you to find out about it sex.
I just spent a lot of money at Bloomingdale's and I'm trying to hide the receipt and bags sex.
Sex in the city.
Are we having sex or making love sex?
Sex with lots of dirty talking.
Sex with lots of dirty talk and someone just crossed the line.
That time of the month sex. Some people are into it some aren't.
Making a baby sex.
So don't feel like trying to make a baby sex AGAIN.
I think I like you but I'm not sure so let's see how this goes sex.
So not compatible in bed sex but the conversation over dinner was marvelous.
Conjugal visits in jail sex.
Sex with shoes on.
Oops I farted sex.
Honeymoon sex.
Sex while pregnant.
First time sex after a pregnancy.
Boring sex.
Sex in a hot tub.
Throw some meat under the door we are going to be in here for hours sex.
I just lost 20lbs sex.
I'm not doing what those people in that DVD are doing sex. How much did you pay for that porn?

Wow, choices are good thing aren't they? Now where is my husband?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why do People keep their Kids up so Late?

I'm at Barnes and Nobles...or is it Barnes n' Nobles? last night. Trying to have some alone time, some away from kids time and wouldn't you know it...kids of all kinds of ages were there at 10:50 at night! WTF!!!!!!!!!!

I love my child dearly but I also love when its nighty nighty time for him. It's finally the time when I get to be alone with my thoughts. When I get to put on my woman meets adult brain and remember what it's like to actually be interested in things other than tractors and Thomas the Train. I watch Rachel Maddow. I get to eat adult foods like Hummus and drink a Latte. I get to talk to my husband about our business, taxes and healthcare reform. At 8:09 I finally get the tune of "Bob the Builder" out of my head and listen to some Linkin Park. Can I hear it...YES I can! (If you have ever watched Bob the Builder you will know exactly what I am talking about).

The bookstore is my escape. It's quiet. I love that people are reading and thinking. Thinking intelligent thoughts. Or so I like to think. I read books about things I couldn't even dream about during my Gymboree Sesame Street Barney freakin' day. Like bird watching, religions of the world and yes self improvement. I don't want to hear whinning, shouting or even kid like giggling. Shut the F up this is a bookstore, it shares the same rules as a library SHHHHHHHH!!!

So, I have to ask parents of the universe why oh why are your kids not in bed at 10p.m.? Or at least at their house where they can drive YOU and only you insane in the privacy of your own home? Where they belong! It’s 10:50 p.m and Yes I know where YOUR children are!!!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Who You Gonna Call?

I would like to bring something very important to your attention. But only my readers of the US of A. So, if you live in say Serbia, don't bother reading this post. (I hear I have a huge following in Serbia...I'm popular with the Serbies…that’s my pet name for them). Serbia may not have the same policy as the U.S. you’ll see why in a minute.

Anyway. There is a question you must ask answer and I bet you never even thought to ask it. Here it is: If you get thrown in jail (I know, I know, it wasn't your fault) and you have only one phone call to make (you only get ONE call right? I have never been incarcerated so I cannot confirm this...but just go with me on this) WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL? Ghostbusters is the wrong answer.

Let’s look at our options:A parent? Nope, they'd never let you live your crime down. You would be reminded of your deed at every single holiday get together over the apple pie. Remember the time that ___ got arrested and we had to bail him out of jail?
A neighbor? No way, you'd be forever known as the neighborhood hoodlum.
A co-worker? Do you really want your boss to find out about this?
A friend? Which one? Would they make “bending down to pick up a bar of soap in jail” jokes from now until forever?

A mutual friend of my husband and me who will go by the name PDiddy picked my husband to be his "only one phone call friend." I thought that was a rather big compliment until I realized what being the "only one phone call friend" would entail. It's not an easy job by any means. Let’s explore.

Don’t ruin your one phone call and call someone who will only give you a shoulder to cry on and not take any action (That rules out all women cause we know women are good listeners.) Call a man. Men are fixers! Call someone who will bail your sorry orange jumpsuit wearing ass out of jail! It would have to be someone who would be willing to A) Answer the phone at all hours of the night if they see the county jail phone number on the caller ID B) Front you the cash to bail you out C) Not tell your spouse/family/co-workers about this little mishap D) Help you get your car out of the impound lot E) Feed your pets while you are away. That’s a lot to ask! What happens if you call your "only one phone call friend" and you get a busy signal? I know, call waiting, but just suppose your luck is as bad as mine and you do get a busy signal do you get to call back later? Does that make it two phone calls now? Or can you call your second choice back up friend? If they take away your cell phone do you even have any phone numbers memorized? If you left a message how does the person call you back? Suppose you got a wrong number? Suppose you called MOVIE PHONE by accident. Is the movie phone guy with that deep voice gonna help you out? “Press 1 for Goonies” Press 2 to be bailed out of jail. Nope. Not an option!

Lawyer…think Lawyer…yes, that seems like a great idea! But umm how do you find one at 3A.M? This is your first time in jail right? Can you call 411 for a phone number; but then you’ll be making two phone calls again. Is there a phone book next to the phone to look one up?

Ahhh so much to think about! “You must choose, but choose wisely” –Indiana Jones. Remember you only get ONE phone call…don’t mess this up! Bad things do happen to good people.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What's up with this freak?

Have you seen the show Dr. 90210? It is about plastic surgery in Beverly Hills. Yes, those kind of before and after shows are intriguing. But the real interesting part of the show is the main doctor Dr. Rey. At first he was just a normal plastic surgeon...how normal could one be whose job it is to rearrange someone's face?

But I think the fame has gone to his head! Have you seen his clothing choices? He is way beyond metrosexual with the highlights in his hair and his man cleavage.

He has no boundaries with his patients, most of whom are female. He calls them honey and beautiful but in a really skeevy way. He wears sleeveless scrubs...why? Turn on the AC if you are hot in the operating room. And he treats his waif of a wife like dirt. Eww, he just grosses me out!

This is him now.
Wow. Just wow.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Cares?

This is a post of random crap that I don't care about.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up for the third time. Who Cares? No, really does anybody care?

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Big Lips Jolie arguing over Brad Pitt. Girl fight or made up Bullshit? Either way just cut it out because no one really cares right?

OctoMom and her gazillion kids. I kinda care. Only because she has more chaos in her house than mine and that makes me feel better about my life. Next to her I'm a great freaking mom!

The Economy and all the details. Yes, I care but I don't want to hear about it just friggin' fix that shit!

Kelly Clarkson weighing like 189lbs. I don't care. I'm glad she is chubby. I can't stop singing her new song "My Life Would Suck Without You". But I suck at singing. And I can't sing it around superman cause her repeats everything I say and I don't want him saying the word SUCK.

Real Housewives of Any County. Nope, don't care. The whole trophy wife ideal is stupid.

Katie Holmes being brain washed by her husband. Who hasn't made some dumb choices for a man? I care about as much for what religion she is as I care for weeds in my yard. I do however care about the length of her bob.

Micheal Phelps smoking a bong. Raise your hand if you care. Put em up! I only care because they got pictures of that cocky trophy hording monger. That's funny shit!

Sarah Jessica Parker getting her mole removed. I care about cancer prevention.

The shows Lost and House. I don't care because well...I can't follow the plot therefore I am Lost.

The Snuggie. I don't care about it because I live in Florida and it's too warm to care about putting arms on my blanket.

and last but not least...drum roll please:

American Idol. I only care about watching this show in the beginning of the season when people sing and super suck at it. So hilarious! When they start getting good I stop watching it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Who's That in the Stir-ups?

What's worse, going to the dentist or the gynecologist? I vote for Gyno.

I went to the Gyno today. And I say Gyno and not OB (as in obstetrician i.e. baby doctor) because it was a very much anti-baby kind of appointment. Even though my Gyno is also my OB. I was actually looking forward to this appointment because it brings me one step closer to not having to worry about birth control for a while. And once you know you and your man are actually capable of his sperm dating your egg it brings on a whole new sense of panic to get some good birth control.

So, there I was in the waiting room. This office has 8 doctors in it so it's basically a mass herding of the vaginas all day. When I arrive there are like, 20 pregnant women waiting to be seen. Most of them looked pretty darn miserable and I have to say I don't blame them. I could just see their ankles swelling as we sat there. It made me all the more anxious to get my hands on some BC. I was afraid the pregnancy thing might be contagious so I sat as far away as I could from the incubators...I mean women. It cracks me up when I see men in there with their wives at appointments. They just look so out of place. One guy was reading a Good Housekeeping magazine. How humiliated would he be if his friends found out about that? But what else would he read in and OB/Gyn office?

On to my appointment. They call my name and bring me back into the exam room. The nurse tells me to take off my clothes below the waist and drape the paper towel over me and wait here. Where else was I going to go? I did and then just sat there for 14 minutes waiting for the doctor. It is so humiliating wearing the paper towel across my lap. Nobody looks cool wearing paper. Unless you are a paper doll which I'm not. I look around the room and see a plastic uterus with the Mirena IUD in it sitting on the counter. Who came up with that marketing idea at the pharmaceutical company? A plastic uterus. No ovaries, no labia just the uterus. My uterus is not for sale thank you very much! And then there is Nuva ring sitting next to its friend the plastic uterus. Wow that sucker is huge! It could fit around a tennis ball, no lie! There is a poster on the wall about how to do a breast self exam. Oh shit, I never do those. Who has the time? Today I took a shower with superman staring at me. It was the only way I could get a shower in before my appointment. Am I supposed to do a BSE under those circumstances? I think that would be illegal on so many levels. Doesn't everybody shower on the day of going to the Gyno...and shave their legs and pits? Like my doctor even cares if I have stubble on my legs or a hairy bikini line.

Anyway my doctor comes in and before you know it my feet are in the stir-up that have little mittens on them. Who thought of making mittens for the stir-ups? She busts out the cold speculum...yadda, yadda, yadda and then it's over. Thank God! We talk about BC options. The exam last all but 3 minutes but it seems like 40 minutes. I put my clothes back on and suddenly I feel a little more humbled by the experience. I pick what is left of my dignity off of the floor and head out the door like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Ya know how they say when you are speaking to someone and you are nervous to picture them in their underwear? Well, the next time you are up against some biotch that has an attitude as big as an elephant instead just think about her in the mitten covered stir-ups. She doesn't seem so bad ass now does she?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Why Do Girl Scouts Sell Cookies?

As I write this I am chomping away at a Thin Mint. Those darn Thin Mints! They make my thighs expand before the chocolate cookie even gets to my stomach. They clog my arteries and make me feel lethargic. They make me feel bloated. How you ask? How could one cookie make me feel bloated? Because I can't eat just one. Oh no! I go in for one but come out with a whole sleeve and before you know it I'm popping those suckers like tic tacs. One whole Thin Mint will fit in my mouth nicely. No biting necessary. How easy is that? Too easy I tell ya!

So why do Girl Scouts sell fattening cookies? Aren't those little kids supposed to be little "do gooders". Ambassadors to good will? Doesn't selling high caloric cookies go against everything they believe in? They should be selling fruit. Or green veggies. There has got to be a veggie badge that they have to earn right?

And who can pass up the sale of girl scout cookies? Nobody! Just try it. They walk by you with a cart full of sinfulness and a pathetic smile. And your knees get weak at the sight of a Samoa. All that chocolaty, carmel coconut yumminess. I think they knew what they were getting into when they came up with this fundraising heart attack in a box. How could they? They should be ashamed of themselves. They might as well sell crack in a box! Because I'm hooked! Those F'ing cookies! Thank God they only come out once a year.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What do I do all day?

Ok, so it's been a while since I have posted. But I'm back baby!

I have always wanted to blog about this topic because I get asked about it a lot...A LOT. And it bugs me, I dunno why. I guess because the question implies that I don't do anything all day when in reality I am crazy busy all day. As any other stay at home mom is. And it would imply that my day actually has an end and my job is over. Well, there is no end time. There is no end to the day when I am off duty. So, here is the breakdown of my day...and night.

8am wake up to Superman's screams and screeches (he just started doing this shriek two days ago) for MAA MAAAAA!!!!! EEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Pee. Change pajamas.
Wash sippy cup. Heat up milk in microwave, pour into sippy cup. Feed dog. Let dog out.
Get child out of crib. Give kisses. Wrestle child on table to change diaper.
Try to convince child to drink milk. Pick up cup from floor.
Turn on the Today show knowing full well I will not have time to watch it.
Try to throw in a load of laundry. Try to start washer before toddler has time to open door. Unsuccessful. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember to turn on washer when toddler is napping.
Try to wash dishes. Pry toddler out from inside the dishwasher. Take knife out from toddler's hand. Close dishwasher...remember to do dishes when toddler is napping.
Try and vacuum. Success.
Wrestle toddler to change into clothes for the day.

9am Speech Therapist arrives. I join in activities to persuade toddler to speak.

10am Breakfast. Make oatmeal. Superman is learning to eat with a spoon. Clean up oatmeal from wall. Clean off resistant toddler.
Try and brush my hair, teeth and put make-up on with toddler in bathroom throwing toilet paper (the day before it was shells) into the toilet. Take perfume bottle out of toddlers hand.

11am Try and think of activities to keep superman and myself occupied. A bored child is a bad troublesome child! Take a walk to park. Toddler wants to walk and will not be pushed in the stroller. Between stopping to look at bugs and playing with leaves it takes us 20 minutes to get there when it normally takes 4 minutes.
Push superman on swing for no kidding...17 minutes..
Walk back to house....20 minutes.

12noon Snack time.
Try and make a phones calls to doctor's offices and insurance company to settle bills from Superman's hospital stay from TWO freaking years ago!
Have to hang up because toddler is practicing his screeching again.
Read books.

12:30-2:30pm Nap time (his not mine). My favorite time of day!
(Can't make phone calls because it wakes up Junior)
Finish dishes, finish laundry, finish putting on make-up. Clean up mess in toilet bowl.
Change sheets on bed.
Finally check email. Jump on Facebook for 10 minutes.
Pay bills. Eat lunch. (Can't eat lunch with superman awake cause he will steal my food.)

2:30pm MAAAA MAAAA!!! Greet toddler. Change diaper.
Make lunch with hungry toddler stuck to my leg like a leg warmer.
Clean up lunch from floor and wall and dog's head.

3:30pm Food shopping. Try and convince child that sitting in the cart is fun. Throw crackers at him to keep him from jumping out.

5pm Stop at office supply store for husband. Chase child around store. Child has had enough of errands.

6pm Gymboree, Superman's play class. Sing corny songs. Act like I'm having a great time. Take asprin for headache listening to corny songs.

7:15pm Dinner. Clean up food from walls, floor, cabinet and dog's head. Feed dog.

7:45pm Bath time, read books, make sippy cup with warm milk (toddler wouldn't have it any other way.) Wrestle toddler to put on PJ's. Fight with him to brush his teeth. Put child to bed.

8:30pm Lay on couch and drool

10 pm Jump online to plan superman's birthday party.

10:16pm Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
12am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
2:30am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.

And there you have it folks! Sounds peaceful and fun doesn't it? Yeah right. This mom...this stay at home...but not really at home... mom thing is the hardest job I have ever had. Most of the time I'm exhausted. I love my son dearly or I would not do this but I cannot wait till he goes to school! I get the question "So, when are you going to have another?" right after I get asked what I do all day. Are you kidding me? So, what DO you DO all day?