Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What Kind of Sex Are You Having?

Sex is not just sex. Think about it. It's complicated. And for such a simple task there are really a million different ways to do it. And the places, oh my the different places to be having it in!

Let's review...There's the...
Wham bam thank you ma'am sex
Make up sex (You may have felt the earth move during this emotional interlude)
Break up sex (Which comes first break up then make up? Depends on the relationship right?) If it is true break up sex you are thinking to yourself the entire time from clothes off to clothes back on..."This may be the very last time we ever do it." Again, could be a bad thing. Could be a good thing.
One night stand sex
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel.
One night stand sex that leads to a prescription for an anti-fungul gel and Plan B (no prescription needed for that but it is located behind the pharmacy counter.)
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex
Cheating on a boy/girlfriend sex with an ex that will only be in town for one night, never to return again. Now we're talking!
Adventurous sex, think Mile high club
Sex while you are at your parents house.
Sex in your parents bed while they are out.
Sex while the kids are in the house wondering if your bedroom door is locked and can't enjoy yourself until someone double checks.
Sex while the kids are sleeping (always without spanking noises).
Morning sex
All night sex. Ouch!
First time sex. Do I stay the night or go home? Does he/she want to stay the night? I don't have my make-up with me for the first viewing in the morning. Crap.
I forgot to shave sex.
Is someone watching us sex?
Sex in the car. Front seat or backseat?
Sex against the car. Also can be classified at adventurous sex.
Sex with the dog or cat watching/laying on the bed.
In every room in the house sex.
Breaking in a new car or house sex.
Sex with a boss, employee or janitor. Breaking the "never have sex with a co-worker" rule.
Middle of the afternoon, on a lunch break sex. Go back to office like nothing ever happened.
Sex while listening to a CD make just for sex.
Sex while the TV is on. Sex during the nightly news, so not sexy. Picturing Ted Kopel.
Sex while picturing someone else in your head. It's not cheating ya know!
Sex while thinking of your shopping list.
Sex on the beach which is way over rated.
Vacation sex. Awesome! But you already knew that.
First time sex.
Not your first time sex but it is their 1st time.
After his/her favorite sports team just won a game sex.
I just f'ed up really bad and I don't want you to find out about it sex.
I just spent a lot of money at Bloomingdale's and I'm trying to hide the receipt and bags sex.
Sex in the city.
Are we having sex or making love sex?
Sex with lots of dirty talking.
Sex with lots of dirty talk and someone just crossed the line.
That time of the month sex. Some people are into it some aren't.
Making a baby sex.
So don't feel like trying to make a baby sex AGAIN.
I think I like you but I'm not sure so let's see how this goes sex.
So not compatible in bed sex but the conversation over dinner was marvelous.
Conjugal visits in jail sex.
Sex with shoes on.
Oops I farted sex.
Honeymoon sex.
Sex while pregnant.
First time sex after a pregnancy.
Boring sex.
Sex in a hot tub.
Throw some meat under the door we are going to be in here for hours sex.
I just lost 20lbs sex.
I'm not doing what those people in that DVD are doing sex. How much did you pay for that porn?

Wow, choices are good thing aren't they? Now where is my husband?


rowen's uncle scott ;-) said...

good topic! as it's your sister, i'm pleading the 5th. suffice it to say, we can check off quite a few on this list, and add a few more ;)

christy said...

thanks for your discretion uncle sparkle, hee.

jen....what prompted this one you little minx you!