Thursday, March 5, 2009

Who's That in the Stir-ups?

What's worse, going to the dentist or the gynecologist? I vote for Gyno.

I went to the Gyno today. And I say Gyno and not OB (as in obstetrician i.e. baby doctor) because it was a very much anti-baby kind of appointment. Even though my Gyno is also my OB. I was actually looking forward to this appointment because it brings me one step closer to not having to worry about birth control for a while. And once you know you and your man are actually capable of his sperm dating your egg it brings on a whole new sense of panic to get some good birth control.

So, there I was in the waiting room. This office has 8 doctors in it so it's basically a mass herding of the vaginas all day. When I arrive there are like, 20 pregnant women waiting to be seen. Most of them looked pretty darn miserable and I have to say I don't blame them. I could just see their ankles swelling as we sat there. It made me all the more anxious to get my hands on some BC. I was afraid the pregnancy thing might be contagious so I sat as far away as I could from the incubators...I mean women. It cracks me up when I see men in there with their wives at appointments. They just look so out of place. One guy was reading a Good Housekeeping magazine. How humiliated would he be if his friends found out about that? But what else would he read in and OB/Gyn office?

On to my appointment. They call my name and bring me back into the exam room. The nurse tells me to take off my clothes below the waist and drape the paper towel over me and wait here. Where else was I going to go? I did and then just sat there for 14 minutes waiting for the doctor. It is so humiliating wearing the paper towel across my lap. Nobody looks cool wearing paper. Unless you are a paper doll which I'm not. I look around the room and see a plastic uterus with the Mirena IUD in it sitting on the counter. Who came up with that marketing idea at the pharmaceutical company? A plastic uterus. No ovaries, no labia just the uterus. My uterus is not for sale thank you very much! And then there is Nuva ring sitting next to its friend the plastic uterus. Wow that sucker is huge! It could fit around a tennis ball, no lie! There is a poster on the wall about how to do a breast self exam. Oh shit, I never do those. Who has the time? Today I took a shower with superman staring at me. It was the only way I could get a shower in before my appointment. Am I supposed to do a BSE under those circumstances? I think that would be illegal on so many levels. Doesn't everybody shower on the day of going to the Gyno...and shave their legs and pits? Like my doctor even cares if I have stubble on my legs or a hairy bikini line.

Anyway my doctor comes in and before you know it my feet are in the stir-up that have little mittens on them. Who thought of making mittens for the stir-ups? She busts out the cold speculum...yadda, yadda, yadda and then it's over. Thank God! We talk about BC options. The exam last all but 3 minutes but it seems like 40 minutes. I put my clothes back on and suddenly I feel a little more humbled by the experience. I pick what is left of my dignity off of the floor and head out the door like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Ya know how they say when you are speaking to someone and you are nervous to picture them in their underwear? Well, the next time you are up against some biotch that has an attitude as big as an elephant instead just think about her in the mitten covered stir-ups. She doesn't seem so bad ass now does she?

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