What the hell?

Possum here, possum there, possum everywhere!

I believe in fate, destiny. Everything happens for a reason. God, a higher power and what not. But this is just strange.

About a month ago I was leaving my house and noticed a neighbor in the street just outside of my house. She had a box and was walking over to a heap of dark fur. Low and behold there was an opposum on the road. I asked her what she was doing and she pointed at it and said "babies!" I got closer and sure enough there were little pink babies squirming around in the fur. Aww, babies. I know possum (round her in the south we take off the "O" in Opposum) are quite ugly but all babies are cute. She picked up the dead critter and put it into a box and took it to a vets office. But I was so puzzled. How could momma possum be dead and the babies were still alive? And there was no blood? Did she give birth? Was she hit by a car and only a small hole was made in her belly?

So for the next week I told several people about this and most of them were horrified at the thought of pink babies crawling around on their mother. I googled Opossum. There it was, possum are marsupials. They carry their babies in a pouch. That explains it.

But it didn't answer the question of what happened to the babies. Did they survive? Did someone take them in and bottle feed them. Were they going to be set free back into the wild? Part of me didn't want to know the answer. And a part of me was mad at the person who hit and killed the mom. Damn that urban sprawl! Damn those developers who built this neighborhood on top of the possums land.

Two days later I was driving home with some friends in the car late at night down a dark road. We were all laughing and talking when Diddums (not his real name) screamed "Watch out!!!" I slammed on my breaks and came to a complete stop. I almost had a heart attack. There before me was another freakin' possum! It was just sitting in the middle of the road with its beady little eyes staring at my headlights. And it wouldn't move! "All right little guy get the hell outta my way!" Nope. So I drove around it. I thought only bunnies froze in the face of fear?

Third time is a charm.

Yesterday I notice Gus (our ferocious beast of a dog) didn't want to go outside. He would get to the doorway and stop. Turn around and come back in only to want to go outside two minutes later. After 15 minutes of this I decided maybe my silly dog had a reason for not wanting to go outside and I should just trust his instincts. I looked around the backyard. Hmm? Nothin'. Time to call for backup. Husband. T walks outside and directly next to the back door leaning up against the house is the cover to our hot tub. He pulls it back quickly and screams! Ahhhhh! I hear this hissing sound. He yells "POSSUM!!!" Wouldn't you know it another freaking possum!

How can one person have three encounters with possum in one month? I mean how many have you had in your whole life? None right? This possum wouldn't leave our house. It just hung out next to the door for hours. I know we are cool and all but go away, my dog needs to use our backyard as a bathroom! How do they go from being cute pink babies to ugly mean bitches? Although this particular possum was a dude, I saw its jewels. Possum are the Tom Petty of animals. If he were an actor he'd be Christopher Walkin. Scary! Look at those teeth? Ugh, nasty.

So what does Karma have to do with my possum encounter? What is my higher power trying to tell me? I'm afraid if I don't have answers soon another one will bless me with its presence and this time I'm calling for better backup that is armed and dangerous!

Where is the food?

Why is it that the more you pay for food the less food you get?

A few years ago hubby and I (boyfriend at the time) decided to bail out on our families and go on a trip for Thanksgiving. We wanted to splurge on turkey day dinner since we wouldn't be with out families. So we made reservations at this expensive restaurant that everyone raved about. I don't know about you but I pig out on Thanksgiving. I mean two servings of mashed taters...yes please! Triple the stuffing, lotsa gravy and a huge piece of apple pie. Well our dinner was served as follows: a sliver of turkey with one cranberry on the side, spoonful of mashed potatoes, teaspoon of stuffing, three asparagus sticks and a fru fru garnish. That's it! Don't disrespect me with your garnish! Yeah it was tasty but it just tempted my tummy to want more, a mere appetizer if you will. The only thing hefty about that meal was the bill.

Have you ever left MacDonald's hungry or broke. No. Impossible. You only need to spend $5 bucks and you get a huge meal complete with side items and what not. And you get cholesterol and heart trouble at no extra cost. Sweet!

So, I took the hubby out for a birthday dinner. He wanted to go to some fancy shmancy steakhouse. I got the Mahi Mahi. There were two little fins on my plate surrounded by tomatoes and onions. I'm like is this Nemo? WTF? Where is my starch? Where are the veggies? I was starving when I came in and I was starving when I left. Not to mention broke! This should be illegal. There should be a law that says the more money that you spend the more food that you get. I was ripped off, hoodwinked, bamboozled.

What's so funny?

(This post is in honor of my friend Melanie)
I admit, I have a cruel streak in me. I get a chuckle at other's people's expense. I bet you do too. So, wanna know what's funny?

When you see someone leaving a store walking through a parking lot and they go up to the wrong car and think it's theirs. And they click the remote unlock button as they are walking up to the car and nothing happens. But the lights on THEIR car a few isles away are flashing. And they are all confused and start trying to open the door handle. "Huh, why won't my car door open?" But DUH its not their car!!!!! They look inside the window. "Huh where is my stuff and why is the interior of my car brown not blue?" They slowly back away from the car when they realize it's not theirs. And then they look around to see if anyone saw them winning the award for dumbass of the year. At this point I'm about rolling on the pavement in hysterics. AHHHHHH!!!!!
I have a family member who did this with me once and we laughed about it for hours.

What else?
Today I went to put gas in my car. Gas prices are so not funny. But this is. This lady pulls her car up to a pump with a bright red bag over the gas handle. She gets out of her car. Hello, bag on handle. Puts her credit card into the pump. Bag still there. Scratches her head why it won' take her card. Pushes the attendant call button and asks what the problem is. When the guys says, "The pump is broken!" She looks all annoyed. Then looks around to see if anyone saw her win runner up for dumbass of the year. I saw it and yes I laughed.

Another thing.
When someone trips. Not the kind of trip and fall that results in injury. (I've certainly been there and done that!) But the kind where they just kind of skip over their feet. It's only funny when it's someone who thinks they are so cool. Like a person in a business suit or a woman who is totally hot. It's the best when this kind of trip reminds them that they are not as cool as they think they are...they are just a regular dumbass like the rest of us. I love when they try and pretend like it didn't happen and keep on walking. But oh no...I saw it...I know it happened and I'm calling you out on it! I admire people with two left feet.

One more thing.
Farting. Have you ever been in a meeting or a family function and someone farts? But nobody says anything about it? But you know everybody heard it. And you are thinking...is the fartee going to own up to it? Say excuse me? How can they just carry on business as usual when they just floated an air biscuit with noise? It's like a pink elephant in the room.
This is why I love kids. There is no way a 4 year old would fart and not own up to it. In fact, they insist upon stopping everything to claim it. So adults, be proud, own your farts so I can laugh my ass off when you do it and not have to stiffle my smirks.

What kind of crazy person flys with a toddler?

A crazy person that looks like me! And my husband.

So, superman is 18 months old and into and on top of everything. He is just curious about the world, people, cabinets and the refrigerator. We decided to take him to NJ for a family vacation. Now so called friends of mine said he would sleep during the flight. So called friends of mine who shall remain nameless said to give him his bottle during take off and landing to avoid his ears from getting blocked. But no, my child wanted no part of his milk. He did eat those little stars (God bless them) but I think someone laced them with uppers because he did not sleep AT ALL. What did he do during the long journey for two hours and 22 minutes? Poked the people's heads in front of us. He loves to go fishing for hair accessories. Turned around and made faces at the people behind us. It was cute the first six times he did it. Threw his sippy cup at the people behind us. Licked the window, arm rest and tray table. I am a total germaphobe so this horrified me! He wined, whimpered, made noise but surprisingly did not cry. He also had a big poopy diaper blowout. Thank God someone at Spirit Airlines put in a changing table in the bathroom. That was the highlight of out trip. He played with the seat belt. He tried to scale the seats and make a run for the isle. We played peek-a-boo 6 million times. Read three books over and over. And prayed to God several times.

The toys that I brought to entertain him were a complete joke. Yes, I went and bought him new toys to play with. At one point he looked at his play keys and then up at me as if to say "Are you kidding me? How boring." The DVD player with three different movies held his attention for about 3.5 seconds. I tried to pass the time by feeding him crackers, water, juice, fruit...anything that was edible and would keep him still and quiet. He played with the window shade...up...down...up...down. Repeat over and over for 8.9 seconds.

The flight was incredibly long, painfully long. We were so worried about superman bothering other passengers that when we got off the plane my husband said he thought he might throw up from him nerves being shot. If you see an adult with a toddler flying on a plane, have mercy. Have mercy on their poor souls. Because those are crazy people who will only make this mistake once.

Whose time am I on?

Certainly not mine! I have learned a very valuable lesson from my superman. Here's how:

When I was pregnant with him he was measuring very large for his age. We were told I may have to have a c-section because he might get too big. Then he was born 10 weeks too early and surprised us all! Good thing he was big for his age. As he spent 8 weeks and one day in the hospital he progressed at his own pace learning to maintain his body temperature, eating from a bottle, recovering from heart surgery and slowly but surely getting through apnea and bradycardia episodes. He couldn't leave the hospital until he recovered from apnea (when he would stop breathing) and brady spells (his heart would stop beating) on his own. This took forever! At one point he was the biggest baby in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). We used to joke around that the school bus was just going to pick him up at the hospital to take him to kindergarten because he was there so long. I remember saying to my husband that I was sooo sick of going to the hospital, I just wanted him home already. Eventually he got the hang of it and he came home. Yay!

Fast forward to today. He is 17 months old and developmentally superman still takes his sweet old time. He is somewhere between his adjusted age, 14 1/2 months old (when he was supposed to be born) and his real age. He crawled just after his first birthday and took a few steps three weeks ago. But he decided that walking was just not his thing so he stopped that and went back to crawling. I occasionally get these weird looks when we are out in public from people because my son is so large and not walking yet. "C'mon hurry up baby! Walk it out will ya?" I secretly think this to myself all the time. But he also started to try and eat with a spoon and this typically doesn't happen until 18 months so he is ahead on that. Huh?

This week superman came down with some nasty cold, poopy viral infection. yuck! He can't sleep well and he can't drink anything because he can't breath. My husband calls him Cybil (from the lady with the multiple personalites) because sometimes he acts just fine and a second later he is crying...sometimes a combination of both. What is that about? Two days this week it rained the ENTIRE day so I was stuck in the house with a sick baby. None of us had any sleep either. Not. Fun. I kept asking myself "When will this end?" Two nights ago in the middle of him being Mr. Crankypants he got up in the middle of the floor and started walking! Fell, got up and walked again! Where did this come from? Aren't kids supposed to sleep and nap a lot when they are sick? Not my child, he hits major milestones when he is sick!

There is a book called "What to Expect...the Toddler Years." I never bought it because what they tell me to expect and when to expect it never happens with my son. He walks (I can now say WALKS!) to the beat of his own drum. He has shown me that I can try and rush him all I want but he goes at his own pace...sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. He wakes up when he wants, gets sick, hungry, thirsty for juice and I just have to be patient and play by his rules.

Have you seen the moive Fast Times At Ridgemont High? It’s one of my favorites. Jeff Spicoli (the student) is always bothering Mr. Hann (his teacher) and their class. In one scene Spicoli orders a pizza for himself that arrives in class. Finally Mr. Hann says to Spicoli "I will not have you taking up my time like this!" And Spicoli replies "If you're here AND I'm here isn't it OUR time?" Kinda reminds me of my relationship with my superman.

Where is the old lady?

I'm right here. Or I should say I was the old bag at the club last night.

My friend and I decided that we really wanted to go dancing. Just to hear some great music and let loose. We haven't gone dancing in years and are a little rusty about the whole scene. Now this friend and I have a long running history of dancing the night away. On top of speakers to be exact, without a care in the world. As we discovered some things have changed over the years, some have remained the same. The biggest change is that my friend and I are both stay at home moms. And I think we lost our mojo for coolness, dancing and all things hip. This is so incredibly sad.

Things that have changed:
I had nothing cool to wear. Jeans are still a staple but I have not bought a cute top in two years. Style? I have none. Nursing bra tops, oh yes I have several of those. I had to rig up a bra to fit a spaghetti top shirt. Accessories? My sex pot hoop earrings had some green stuff on them because I haven't worn them in so long. Belt or no belt? Agonizing. Night time make up...hmmm? Would more make up make me look older like Mrs. Roper? And I actually had to go out earlier that day and buy a pair of black sandals since my old ones broke.

We had no clue where to go dancing. Where was the trendy club in town with great music? We picked a place that one of us went to like a year and a half ago. We approached the building and suddenly couldn’t figure out what line to get in! We certainly were not VIP unless VIP stands for Very Old People. How could we be so stupid as to not figure out our lane? And then the big question: Would we be carded? We offered up our ID’s and the bouncer actually chuckled. So not funny! I thought he was going to make a joke of there being a senior special on drinks that night.

The crowd was a mix of trailer park trash meets early 20 somethings who shop at Forever 21. The music was pretty good and I think the DJ knew old peeps where in the house when he mixed in “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” from 1985.

There are two ways a guy will get a woman to dance. 1. He can casually move in closer to her area on the dance floor until he is dancing against any north, south, east or west end of her body. 2. He can ask her to dance. And this is where the highlight of my night comes in! A black guy asked me to dance! Suddenly it hit me, I knew that at 35 I was still a hot bitch! (Years back this was a regular occurrence for me. We never could figure it out?)


Things that have not changed:
There were plenty of hoochy mamas showing off way too much boobage and upper thigh. We spotted a few bacheroette parties and we wanted to run up and tell the bride that after tonight she will no longer be cool in a weird sorta way.

Next to us on the dance floor was a couple with their tongues down each other throats and grouping one another as if they were in a hotel room by themselves. Another couple was engaging in some strange kind of mating ritual. He was humping her and she was bent over touching the floor. I thought they were playing twister.

By the end of the night my friend and I were hobbling back to our cars in pain. Our feet were killing us and I thought for a second that my toes had turned into bloody nubs. Damn those new shoes! Just like the old days. Good times. Good times.

Why do so many banks get held up in Tampa?

What is with all the hold ups? Tampa in 2007 had 39 bank robberies!

When I used to live in NJ (and that is really hard for me to say in the past tense) I never remember hearing about any banks being robbed. I thought bank robberies were from the days of the wild wild west. It seems so caveman like to go into a bank, hold it up with a gun and steal some money. How do so many people get away with it? Where is the technology to prevent this insanity I ask you? We can send people into space but we can't prevent thugs from holding up a bank?

Now that I live in Tampa (I'm gasping at the thought) it seems like every day I hear about a bank robbery. And not just in the bad parts of town but literally in my backyard. We have, and I kid you not 7 banks within a quarter mile of my house. Evey strip mall also has one nail salon and Chinese take out. Gotta love urban sprawl. This is supposed to be suburban living at its best. Now I know Tampa is technically part of "the South". And I have come to accept that things are still a little backwards down here. But it would not surprise me in the least if some of these bank robbers are riding off on their horses with a bag full of cash. It happens so often here that I don't even think the cops go after the bad guys anymore. I guess its not worth letting your donuts get stale over.

How difficult could it be to rob a bank? How much money do these people actually get? Are we talking hundreds, thousands of dollars? Why does it seem to happen so much more often here rather than up North? Are the criminals up North into more elaborate crimes that pull in bigger numbers? And do people actually have to get down on the ground during a hold up? Or was that just in the movies? Why lay down on the floor anyway?

Bank robberies, all the more reason to just go through the drive though. Does anyone still go into the bank? Hello people that is what ATM cards are for! Did I mention how convenient online banking is?