Sunday, September 28, 2008

What famous people would you be friends with?

Imagine you have a sprawling home in Beverly Hills. With like 10 bedrooms and a maid. Who would you hang out with? While I had a migraine today I laid there in bed and thought about this. Hmmm...

I think I would be friends with Julia Roberts. She seems down to earth and has a good head on her shoulders. We'd lounge around and watch movies and stuff at home. We'd watch TLC in our sweat pants and comment on the home renovations. Our kids (with uncommon names) could play together at the park. She'd be the friend I'd call when I just needed to talk. We could be seen at Barnes n ' Nobles reading books and drinking lattes and talking about how our husbands drive us crazy. And I’d ask her “What were you thinking Juls (that's what I call her) with the whole Lyle Lovette thing?” I can ask her things like that, we’re friends.
Jenny McCarthy would be my fun friend. We would crack jokes and make fun of people till our stomachs hurt. I'd join in her autism cause and she'd join in my cause to fight prematurity. We would do silly things in public (wearing big sunglasses and wigs so nobody would recognize us) like jumping in public water fountains and people would wonder who those wackos were. My husband and I would double date for Sushi with Jenny and Jim of course.
One of my BFF's would be Chelsea Handler. She is hilarious! And her little buddy Chewie could hang with us too. Where did she find that guy? Such a strange combo. We could go out on Saturday nights in L.A to all the hot spots and make jokes about the famous people who think they are too cool. One of us would undoubtedly break one of our heels off of our shoe and have to hobble home.

I'd love to hang with Sheryl Crow. She'd be my health nut friend and I think she'd be really good for me. We could go to the health food store and by organic fruit and soy beans and she'd show me how to eat wheat grass smoothies. We'd talk about Lance and how he broke her heart. And I'd tell her when God closes one door he opens another.

Oh, and Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz. The three of us would eat ice cream and flip through celebrity mags just for fun. We'd go shopping together and talk about sex. Drew likes to get pedi’s while Cameron prefers a mani. We’d complain how annoying the paparazzi are and Cameron would give them the middle finger.

And a guy friend, who would be my guy friend? Every girl should have one good guy friend. How about Clinton from the show What Not to Wear? He is brutally honest and incredibly sarcastic. I love him. He would tell me about all the latest fashion trends but forgive me for not wearing skinny jeans. My other guy friend would be Matthew Machoney. We’d have this crazy attraction for one another but we’d know in the back of our minds that a relationship just wouldn’t work. And I’d joke around all the time about how he needs to take a shower and marry the momma of his baby.

You have to pick your friends wisely. There are so many celebs that just seem weird like Katie/Tom, Britney and Paris. I just don't have time to listen to all of their drama. Does Katie even have friends?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why does Sara Snow bug me?

Do you know who Sara Snow is? She is the guru on going green. She has her own show on T.V. called "Get Fresh with Sara Snow". It is about eating organics, embracing local businesses, composting, recycling, natural cleaning and more. It all sounds good right? Yeah, yeah, yeah I guess whatever. I think she bugs me cause she seems so darn perfect.
She is all into recycling everything. On last night's show she found a place in NYC that recycles yogurt cups (and only yogurt cups). They send them to a company that makes razors out of them. As if that wasn't enough if you send back your used razor to the company hey make park benches out of it. She also found a company that recycles used glass bottles and turns them into counter tops. And then a company who recycles clothing. Did you know polyester is made out of petroleum? But seriously, who has time to go to all these different places to recycle all this stuff. I have a hard enough time with just one or two recycling bags that I leave out at the end of my driveway. I bet this woman recycles her dental floss.
There was a segment about eating from local farms. You should only eat what was made in a 100 miles radius from your home. Great concept but with urban sprawl I have no idea where a local farm is in the area. Seriously, I have never seen one. Cows sure but a farm that produces fruit and veggies? There is a guy who sells fruit and stuff from his van on the side of the road but I just don't trust it. Call me paranoid.
She is a pretty, young 30 something, so why the annoyance with her? I don't really know. Watch her show, tell me what you think. Do you see a little Martha Stewart attitude going on? I do.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What will you do when you are old?

I was walking back to my car from the grocery store when this older/old lady in the parking lot said, "I wish I had your energy!" To which I kinda laughed because I just took a nap before I left the house while superman was sleeping. Then it got me thinking...what does she do all day that takes away her energy? When does you energy leave you? Is it just after menopause? Does it walk out the door with your estrogen? And at what age are you officially old? Senior citizens at the official 65 seem so young to me. Or is it the older I get the younger old people look since I am getting closer to their age and God for bid I call myself old! By the way I have been feeling old since I turned 28.

What do old people do with their days? I know most of them get up really early in the morning like 5 am or something crazy like that. Maybe they don't have any energy by the afternoon cause they have been awake for 7 hours and it's time for a nap! I can relate to that! So old folks sleep in and you will have more energy.

I think old people like to watch the birds and feed them if given the chance. You know you are old if you watch the birds outside your window and you have names for them. (Substitute squirrels for birds if need be).

They collect chackiis. In every old person's house there are little animal/fairy/magnets/dolls just collecting dust. How could they not collect junk? I mean junk just accumulates year after year when you have "been there done that." Which brings me to my next thing they do...clean.

Old people like to hang out in groups at Dunkin' Donuts. I see a group of old dudes there every morning. For the spicy lady within, the Red Hot Mama's group is always an option. I see them eating out with there hats on. Looks like something I might be interested in.

I know they go to lots of doctor's appointments. I wonder if they really are that sick or are they just looking to talk to another human being? I hear old peeps are lonely.

Random things they do:
They read the newspaper.
Count loose change and pay for things with checks. So annoying!
Put hard candies in dishes on their coffee tables.
Drape fabric or plastic over their furniture.
Get their hair done at the Salon.

Then there are the really wild and crazy old people. For fun they play bingo or bridge. Take up a hobby like photography or yoga. They do silly crafts like knitting tissue box jackets. My favorite old dudes are the baggers at my grocery store. They are so darn happy all the time and excited...about what I don't know. I think they are just thrilled to be alive. They ask me if I want help out to my car with my bags and if I say yes they are just overjoyed!

And then there are the crabby old ones who do nothing all day but butt into other people's business. Again, so annoying!

So this brings me to my original question...what will you do when you are old? Broke or rich we need to do something to fill our days. The possibilities are endless...unless you have serious arthritis, then are you are screwed!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Who are your neighbors?

Really, do you know who they are?

Growing up in NJ we lived in the same house for like 25 years. I kinda knew who my next door neighbors were but the people next to them...clueless. No, seriously I have no idea who lives on our block. No hellos or waves. Murderers? Could be. Perverts? Possibly? Nice people? Dunno.

We have lived here in FL for about three years. We have 80 homes in our development. We are all basically middle class families or people that resemble a family. I don't know how it happened but somehow in our three years here we have really gotten to know our neighbors. I can tell you some kind of dirt on just about every house here. There are some real freaks here but I think every neighborhood has common freaks if you just get to know them. Let's see, in your neighborhood I bet you have:
1. The people who don't take care of their yard. The grass grows very high, the bushes need cutting and you can't tell the difference between weeds and plants. The lower the property values in every one's house. The house on our block like this is owned by THE biggest dumbass on the planet. I have called animal control on him about 13 times (no lie) for not taking care of his dogs. No shock that the person who doesn't take care of their lawn also doesn't take care of their pets.

2. The house with the scary dogs. A house down the street has two dogs, one is a Lassie dog and the other is some large white mutt that foams at the mouth. Every time we walk past this house these two Cujos will bark, snap and lung at us from behind their glass front door. When the owners take them for walks the dogs pull the owners quickly along the sidewalk yanking out their arms. I fear the day those two dogs escape from their house and eat us for dinner.

3. The family with some kind of steamy affair going on. There are two homes like this actually. The first one is across the street. An Asian woman and white guy live there. I think she may have been a mail order bride. They never talk to anyone, not a word. Except the one time the guy came over to ask if he could borrow our shovel to kill a snake in his driveway. He returned it with blood on it. Nice.
One day we looked out our window and see Asian lady leaving in her car. Apparently they were getting a divorce. The VERY NEXT DAY a new lady moved in! Jeez! He wasted no time huh?

The other affair that is going on we just can't quite figure out. Lady has two sons. She is white, kids look Hispanic. We see two trucks come and go from driveway with two different men driving them. Not sure which truck belongs to the dad. Now mommy just had another baby. We think it was with Indian guy who drives truck A. We are dying to see the color of baby to help decide baby daddy and owner of truck A or B.

4. The house with strange things going on. We had a guy that was arrested for making bombs in his house. We always knew something strange was going on there.

5. The house with a gazillion holiday decorations out. Someone really needs to tell them that less is more.

6. A neighborhood drunk. Ours just moved to Alaska but left his family behind.

7. A family with really annoying kids. Either they are noisy or just unruly teenagers who throw eggs at houses the night before Halloween.

8. A neighborhood pervert. Whether it be an actual pedophile, peeping Tom or someone who just has shifty eyes. Every neighborhood has at least one.

9. A phantom pooper. We can't identify the owner of the dog but this dog has been crapping around the neighborhood for months. So irresponsible!

10. Dale Earnhardt. We have one maniac that races around our block in his BMW. I think he is the one that hit the possum in front of my house! A-hole.

11. An old person/couple. When they are out gardening we say hi but the old lady is half deaf so she can't hear us. We yell even louder and this startles her making us feel like asses.

I'm pretty sure most people can relate to my neighborhood. We are just your average run of the mill weirdos. I'd love to hear about your neighbors, I think I may write a book about weird neighbors some day. I wonder how my neighbors label me? What kind of neighbor am I?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Who else was raped by their stylist?

John Edwards for one.

For me, it's kinda a love affair. No, make that a love/hate relationship. Me and the scissors. Me and the bottle of bleach and hair dye. Me and my hair lady. I love the way I look after a great cut and style but hate the price I have to pay for it. And I'm not just talking about the way I'm raped in the pocket book. I pay with my integrity and common sense.

It started long ago when I got a perm when I was like 10. Oh the curls, the joyful spiral curls! I felt like a new girl prancing around school with my new do. But then it grew out and I needed another perm, and another, and another. It got expensive. I tried the home kit a few years later. My brown hair turned orange and became dry and frizzy. Time to go back to the salon. Just one more perm I thought, I'll save up for it. And I did. Thank God the perm went out with the eighties.

But then I found out about highlights and how I could reinvent my identity. I could capture the feeling of sun kissed hair all year. Then I went through the red phase. Suddenly I was mysterious. I couldn't possibly let my red fade. I wanted more. I wanted long layers. I wanted bangs that needed an "every two week trim." Who can afford that at $20 a snip? So I went shaggy and let *Karen give me a razor cut. How could I let someone with a razor blade come near my head? What the hell was I thinking?

Things have gotten out of hand. I have hit my low. My bottom. My bottom is exactly $246 plus $50 for a tip. (There were two people. Why one person cutting one head of hair needs an assistant I don't know) The crime occurred yesterday between the hours of 1:30pm and 4:30pm. I came in for highlights thinking it would be a wham bame hour and a half job that would only set me back $150 at max. But throughout the course of 4 hours I was swindled into a cut, color, highlights, toner, glaze and more color. I say swindled because no one said, "We'd like to rape you financially are you OK with that?" They just went ahead and did it. Yes, OK I knew about the cut. But I didn't know they raised their prices for a cut to $56! It's just freakin' hair people! That is more than my phone bill each month! I got up to the counter to pay for my crime and *Tiffany said "That will be two hundred and forty-six dollars, would you like to put the tip on your card as well?" Huh? Wha? How much? I was stunned. Flabbergasted. And like a jackass I shelled out the tip...for...both people.

I walked out of there feeling like a moron with my tail between my legs. I was just had. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I speak up? Because I didn't want to piss off my hairstylist for fear that next time she will really fuck up my hair. She is one powerful woman. Sure I could go see someone else next time but then we'd have to start all over again getting to know one another like a first date and you know how awkward those are.

Hairstylists will never go out of business because there is a serious addiction in this county to their drug. I can't live a life of mousy brown, split ends and grey temples. It doesn't matter how much they charge us we will pay their fee, take our drug and keep our mouths shut! They are no better than drug dealers. TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SIX DOLLARS (plus tip). Do you know what that buys you? A plane ticket! An Ipod! This is insane and I say to you we must stop the insanity! Women of the United States get a hold of yourselves! We have lost our minds. We look damn good with our inverted bobs and chunky highlights but crazy none the less.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty rapists involved

Avoid these people:

Sunday, September 7, 2008

What grosses me out?

This is a compilation that has taken me about 24 hours to come up with. It is not your average grossness like a dirty diaper. It is really sceevy things that make my toes curl with horror.

Spit that collects in the corners of people's mouths and then turns whitish.
The junk and food particles that are left over in your sink after the dirty dishes sit there.
Leftover toothpaste that collects just below the bristles on your toothbrush.
Feet. Anything to do with them including but not limited to toe jam, cheese, dead skin around the nail, bunions, corns and callouses. I cannot discuss this any further. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
The smell of hot garbage. Especially if it is in a parking garage.
The area just outside of the back of a restaurant. Where the cooks have smoke breaks. It smells like old burnt food and the huge dumpster of garbage is usually there. A few stray cats or rats linger there looking for scraps of food.
Lots of old white men in suits gathered together. You know at least one of them molested a child, several of them cheated on their wives and most of them cheated on their taxes.
The ring around a bathtub. What is that? Am I that dirty?
Hairs left in the bathtub after a woman shaves.
Gardening. Specifically digging in dirt. Not so much putting a plant into the dirt but making a hole and seeing worms slither out of the dirt into the hole I just made.
While we are on the topic, beatles. Not the band although I'm not too fond of them either. I mean the bugs. With their hard shells and wings. Ugh!
And Love Bugs. Native to Florida, the crunchy bugs fly around while they are connected to one another having sex until they die. They get caught in my hair and stick to the front of my car. I did not make this one up.
Pink Gum stuck to hot pavement.
The smell of old apple juice left in a thermos in a lunch box. This really made me sick when I was a teacher.
The diaper pail in my son's room. It is the worst smell known to man. It burns the inside of my nose hairs when I have to change the pail.
The crumbs that fall off my kitchen counter top and into my utensil drawer. They actually take up residence inside each plastic slot that holds my knives, forks and spoons.
The plastic, latexy smell of a condom. A condom should be disposed of properly and immediately after use before snuggle time sets in.
Long hairs that fall into my butt crack throughout the day. Hmm? What's this doing here?
Door handles. They are dirty and you should never, EVER touch them with the bare hand.
Dirty tissues left in coat pockets from the winter before.
The floor of a movie theater. You know dozens of sodas were spilled there. Candy and chocolate have melted on to those floors and I'm pretty sure no one ever washes it. Is is a hard floor or carpet? I don't know but my feet always stick to it. Nasty.
Used band-aids left in the shower.
When you go to get your hair colored and they put this goo around your face so the color doesn't get on your skin...eww the feeling of it is gross. It's cold and goopy and I just don't like it.
The fluoride treatment at the dentist. The taste of it is nasty flavor mixed with cherry flavor. And the consistency of it makes my skin crawl. I hate having to sit there for 10 minutes with it around my teeth and gums.
Stuff on window sills. Like dead bugs, dust and the likes there of. If I go to your house and can write my name in the filth on your sill I'm leaving.
The junk that comes out of your earlobe holes when you've had a pair of earrings in too long. You know what I'm talking about, it's all crusty.

And the top two things that gross me out beyond belief:
1. The dirt and debris that collects from the vacuum. We had to return our new bagless vacuum because I refused to clean out the gunk. I can't even look at it. Seriously. The pet hair, dust bunnies, random bugs, food particles etc.

2. The words moist and pus gross me out completely.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Why do babyish words end in "Y" or IE"?

You know what I mean, "ouch-y" or "pac-i". Or blank-ie. Where did this come from? It's not like my kid is not going to like something just because the word I'm using ends in a hard sounding consonant. Honey do you want your blankie? Yes please. Honey do you want your blankET? AHHH noooooo! Not the blankET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does an IE or Y at the end of the word make the item all that more appealing? Na. So why do we do it? I'll admit I'm the first one to throw around an Icky or shoeys. And heck I think I've even said "did you get a booboo-ie?" Booboo-ie, what the hell is that?

There are many appropriate times to add the Y. Like mommy and daddy. Or poopy. Those are three staples that must not change and sound perfectly fine.

But for the other instances do we realize how stupid we sound talking to our kids? Do we care?