Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Who are your neighbors?

Really, do you know who they are?

Growing up in NJ we lived in the same house for like 25 years. I kinda knew who my next door neighbors were but the people next to them...clueless. No, seriously I have no idea who lives on our block. No hellos or waves. Murderers? Could be. Perverts? Possibly? Nice people? Dunno.

We have lived here in FL for about three years. We have 80 homes in our development. We are all basically middle class families or people that resemble a family. I don't know how it happened but somehow in our three years here we have really gotten to know our neighbors. I can tell you some kind of dirt on just about every house here. There are some real freaks here but I think every neighborhood has common freaks if you just get to know them. Let's see, in your neighborhood I bet you have:
1. The people who don't take care of their yard. The grass grows very high, the bushes need cutting and you can't tell the difference between weeds and plants. The lower the property values in every one's house. The house on our block like this is owned by THE biggest dumbass on the planet. I have called animal control on him about 13 times (no lie) for not taking care of his dogs. No shock that the person who doesn't take care of their lawn also doesn't take care of their pets.

2. The house with the scary dogs. A house down the street has two dogs, one is a Lassie dog and the other is some large white mutt that foams at the mouth. Every time we walk past this house these two Cujos will bark, snap and lung at us from behind their glass front door. When the owners take them for walks the dogs pull the owners quickly along the sidewalk yanking out their arms. I fear the day those two dogs escape from their house and eat us for dinner.

3. The family with some kind of steamy affair going on. There are two homes like this actually. The first one is across the street. An Asian woman and white guy live there. I think she may have been a mail order bride. They never talk to anyone, not a word. Except the one time the guy came over to ask if he could borrow our shovel to kill a snake in his driveway. He returned it with blood on it. Nice.
One day we looked out our window and see Asian lady leaving in her car. Apparently they were getting a divorce. The VERY NEXT DAY a new lady moved in! Jeez! He wasted no time huh?

The other affair that is going on we just can't quite figure out. Lady has two sons. She is white, kids look Hispanic. We see two trucks come and go from driveway with two different men driving them. Not sure which truck belongs to the dad. Now mommy just had another baby. We think it was with Indian guy who drives truck A. We are dying to see the color of baby to help decide baby daddy and owner of truck A or B.

4. The house with strange things going on. We had a guy that was arrested for making bombs in his house. We always knew something strange was going on there.

5. The house with a gazillion holiday decorations out. Someone really needs to tell them that less is more.

6. A neighborhood drunk. Ours just moved to Alaska but left his family behind.

7. A family with really annoying kids. Either they are noisy or just unruly teenagers who throw eggs at houses the night before Halloween.

8. A neighborhood pervert. Whether it be an actual pedophile, peeping Tom or someone who just has shifty eyes. Every neighborhood has at least one.

9. A phantom pooper. We can't identify the owner of the dog but this dog has been crapping around the neighborhood for months. So irresponsible!

10. Dale Earnhardt. We have one maniac that races around our block in his BMW. I think he is the one that hit the possum in front of my house! A-hole.

11. An old person/couple. When they are out gardening we say hi but the old lady is half deaf so she can't hear us. We yell even louder and this startles her making us feel like asses.

I'm pretty sure most people can relate to my neighborhood. We are just your average run of the mill weirdos. I'd love to hear about your neighbors, I think I may write a book about weird neighbors some day. I wonder how my neighbors label me? What kind of neighbor am I?


Skittles said...

I don't know my neighbors very well either. I think every neighborhood has at least a few of the same type neighbors that you described, though. :)

A*B said...

I'm new to your blogs. But i can honestly say I believe I have everyone of those of which you spoke of. Funny thing is, i'm completely normal....LOL Cute post!

MsShellhorn said...

Jen, you clearly have been out of NJ for a while. I am SHOCKED you know the people around you. Here in NJ we go through life without even realizing we are not alone, except for when we are extremely annoyed by the presence of some ahole standing next to us or engaging in road rage.
I just found out last night from my friend that my neighbor across the street let their mother in law die. She was living with them for a few months and she went next door and asked the oldest couple on the block to take her to the Dr last week. The old lady can't leave her husband because he is basically going blind and deaf. A week later she died. The family never took her to the dr. She was sleeping on their couch and had a heart attack! We call this family the chachkiis. They have every lawn ornament ever made in America and China on the 2x4 of a front yard they have. These people are worse than the holiday neighbors you mentioned because you have to be exposed to the ugliness YEAR ROUND.
I used to have the neighbor who would shovel your snow before you even got up and realized it was there, but the hussy next door broke up with him and now he's not living in her house anymore. Sad times. Now I have to make the old bat downstairs from me do it and hear her BITCH about it all the time. UGH!!
You need to get back to Jersey. I fear I'm losing my friend down there. Gonna be a culture shock for Thomas though.

Cheasty said...

Wow, I clearly have been living in the wrong neighborhoods, cause I don't know any of these people! Although, when I was a kid we had a family near us that were all juvie delinquents. Once they crucified a crawfish on a piece of wood and sent it floating down the creek to where we were playing. Creeps. I think at least one of them is in jail now, but I've lost track.

Also, did some scrolling down, and this is a fun blog!

Christie O. said...

oh.migod. that's hilarious. and yep! we pretty much have every one of those! i am picturing them as i go down the list!! hahahahahaha!

our old people live down the block, they never hear me. we have a thong-wearing hotdog cart lady who's having an affair with some guy whose wife called the police on them and there was a police swarm at the hotdog lady's house. shifty guy is across the street. rowdy kids are down the block. they have parties. we have a cujo chow around the corner -- the guy keeps him on a chain in the front yard and he goes running after you until the chain pulls him back and i just know one day the chain will break and i'll be toast. phantom pooper leaves monstrous poops in our yard and i get mad because the kids play out there. guy who doesn't take care of his yard has rats now and they go into another neighbor's yard and they complain at the homeowners meetings every time. gazillion decorations house we have too -- it looks like daytime around their house all day long, even at midnight. see?? you're too funny!