Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Cares?

This is a post of random crap that I don't care about.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up for the third time. Who Cares? No, really does anybody care?

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Big Lips Jolie arguing over Brad Pitt. Girl fight or made up Bullshit? Either way just cut it out because no one really cares right?

OctoMom and her gazillion kids. I kinda care. Only because she has more chaos in her house than mine and that makes me feel better about my life. Next to her I'm a great freaking mom!

The Economy and all the details. Yes, I care but I don't want to hear about it just friggin' fix that shit!

Kelly Clarkson weighing like 189lbs. I don't care. I'm glad she is chubby. I can't stop singing her new song "My Life Would Suck Without You". But I suck at singing. And I can't sing it around superman cause her repeats everything I say and I don't want him saying the word SUCK.

Real Housewives of Any County. Nope, don't care. The whole trophy wife ideal is stupid.

Katie Holmes being brain washed by her husband. Who hasn't made some dumb choices for a man? I care about as much for what religion she is as I care for weeds in my yard. I do however care about the length of her bob.

Micheal Phelps smoking a bong. Raise your hand if you care. Put em up! I only care because they got pictures of that cocky trophy hording monger. That's funny shit!

Sarah Jessica Parker getting her mole removed. I care about cancer prevention.

The shows Lost and House. I don't care because well...I can't follow the plot therefore I am Lost.

The Snuggie. I don't care about it because I live in Florida and it's too warm to care about putting arms on my blanket.

and last but not least...drum roll please:

American Idol. I only care about watching this show in the beginning of the season when people sing and super suck at it. So hilarious! When they start getting good I stop watching it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Who's That in the Stir-ups?

What's worse, going to the dentist or the gynecologist? I vote for Gyno.

I went to the Gyno today. And I say Gyno and not OB (as in obstetrician i.e. baby doctor) because it was a very much anti-baby kind of appointment. Even though my Gyno is also my OB. I was actually looking forward to this appointment because it brings me one step closer to not having to worry about birth control for a while. And once you know you and your man are actually capable of his sperm dating your egg it brings on a whole new sense of panic to get some good birth control.

So, there I was in the waiting room. This office has 8 doctors in it so it's basically a mass herding of the vaginas all day. When I arrive there are like, 20 pregnant women waiting to be seen. Most of them looked pretty darn miserable and I have to say I don't blame them. I could just see their ankles swelling as we sat there. It made me all the more anxious to get my hands on some BC. I was afraid the pregnancy thing might be contagious so I sat as far away as I could from the incubators...I mean women. It cracks me up when I see men in there with their wives at appointments. They just look so out of place. One guy was reading a Good Housekeeping magazine. How humiliated would he be if his friends found out about that? But what else would he read in and OB/Gyn office?

On to my appointment. They call my name and bring me back into the exam room. The nurse tells me to take off my clothes below the waist and drape the paper towel over me and wait here. Where else was I going to go? I did and then just sat there for 14 minutes waiting for the doctor. It is so humiliating wearing the paper towel across my lap. Nobody looks cool wearing paper. Unless you are a paper doll which I'm not. I look around the room and see a plastic uterus with the Mirena IUD in it sitting on the counter. Who came up with that marketing idea at the pharmaceutical company? A plastic uterus. No ovaries, no labia just the uterus. My uterus is not for sale thank you very much! And then there is Nuva ring sitting next to its friend the plastic uterus. Wow that sucker is huge! It could fit around a tennis ball, no lie! There is a poster on the wall about how to do a breast self exam. Oh shit, I never do those. Who has the time? Today I took a shower with superman staring at me. It was the only way I could get a shower in before my appointment. Am I supposed to do a BSE under those circumstances? I think that would be illegal on so many levels. Doesn't everybody shower on the day of going to the Gyno...and shave their legs and pits? Like my doctor even cares if I have stubble on my legs or a hairy bikini line.


Anyway my doctor comes in and before you know it my feet are in the stir-up that have little mittens on them. Who thought of making mittens for the stir-ups? She busts out the cold speculum...yadda, yadda, yadda and then it's over. Thank God! We talk about BC options. The exam last all but 3 minutes but it seems like 40 minutes. I put my clothes back on and suddenly I feel a little more humbled by the experience. I pick what is left of my dignity off of the floor and head out the door like a dog with its tail between its legs.

Ya know how they say when you are speaking to someone and you are nervous to picture them in their underwear? Well, the next time you are up against some biotch that has an attitude as big as an elephant instead just think about her in the mitten covered stir-ups. She doesn't seem so bad ass now does she?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Why Do Girl Scouts Sell Cookies?

As I write this I am chomping away at a Thin Mint. Those darn Thin Mints! They make my thighs expand before the chocolate cookie even gets to my stomach. They clog my arteries and make me feel lethargic. They make me feel bloated. How you ask? How could one cookie make me feel bloated? Because I can't eat just one. Oh no! I go in for one but come out with a whole sleeve and before you know it I'm popping those suckers like tic tacs. One whole Thin Mint will fit in my mouth nicely. No biting necessary. How easy is that? Too easy I tell ya!

So why do Girl Scouts sell fattening cookies? Aren't those little kids supposed to be little "do gooders". Ambassadors to good will? Doesn't selling high caloric cookies go against everything they believe in? They should be selling fruit. Or green veggies. There has got to be a veggie badge that they have to earn right?

And who can pass up the sale of girl scout cookies? Nobody! Just try it. They walk by you with a cart full of sinfulness and a pathetic smile. And your knees get weak at the sight of a Samoa. All that chocolaty, carmel coconut yumminess. I think they knew what they were getting into when they came up with this fundraising heart attack in a box. How could they? They should be ashamed of themselves. They might as well sell crack in a box! Because I'm hooked! Those F'ing cookies! Thank God they only come out once a year.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What do I do all day?

Ok, so it's been a while since I have posted. But I'm back baby!

I have always wanted to blog about this topic because I get asked about it a lot...A LOT. And it bugs me, I dunno why. I guess because the question implies that I don't do anything all day when in reality I am crazy busy all day. As any other stay at home mom is. And it would imply that my day actually has an end and my job is over. Well, there is no end time. There is no end to the day when I am off duty. So, here is the breakdown of my day...and night.

8am wake up to Superman's screams and screeches (he just started doing this shriek two days ago) for MAA MAAAAA!!!!! EEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Pee. Change pajamas.
Wash sippy cup. Heat up milk in microwave, pour into sippy cup. Feed dog. Let dog out.
Get child out of crib. Give kisses. Wrestle child on table to change diaper.
Try to convince child to drink milk. Pick up cup from floor.
Turn on the Today show knowing full well I will not have time to watch it.
Try to throw in a load of laundry. Try to start washer before toddler has time to open door. Unsuccessful. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember to turn on washer when toddler is napping.
Try to wash dishes. Pry toddler out from inside the dishwasher. Take knife out from toddler's hand. Close dishwasher...remember to do dishes when toddler is napping.
Try and vacuum. Success.
Wrestle toddler to change into clothes for the day.

9am Speech Therapist arrives. I join in activities to persuade toddler to speak.

10am Breakfast. Make oatmeal. Superman is learning to eat with a spoon. Clean up oatmeal from wall. Clean off resistant toddler.
Try and brush my hair, teeth and put make-up on with toddler in bathroom throwing toilet paper (the day before it was shells) into the toilet. Take perfume bottle out of toddlers hand.

11am Try and think of activities to keep superman and myself occupied. A bored child is a bad troublesome child! Take a walk to park. Toddler wants to walk and will not be pushed in the stroller. Between stopping to look at bugs and playing with leaves it takes us 20 minutes to get there when it normally takes 4 minutes.
Push superman on swing for no kidding...17 minutes..
Walk back to house....20 minutes.

12noon Snack time.
Try and make a phones calls to doctor's offices and insurance company to settle bills from Superman's hospital stay from TWO freaking years ago!
Have to hang up because toddler is practicing his screeching again.
Read books.

12:30-2:30pm Nap time (his not mine). My favorite time of day!
(Can't make phone calls because it wakes up Junior)
Finish dishes, finish laundry, finish putting on make-up. Clean up mess in toilet bowl.
Change sheets on bed.
Finally check email. Jump on Facebook for 10 minutes.
Pay bills. Eat lunch. (Can't eat lunch with superman awake cause he will steal my food.)

2:30pm MAAAA MAAAA!!! Greet toddler. Change diaper.
Make lunch with hungry toddler stuck to my leg like a leg warmer.
Clean up lunch from floor and wall and dog's head.

3:30pm Food shopping. Try and convince child that sitting in the cart is fun. Throw crackers at him to keep him from jumping out.

5pm Stop at office supply store for husband. Chase child around store. Child has had enough of errands.

6pm Gymboree, Superman's play class. Sing corny songs. Act like I'm having a great time. Take asprin for headache listening to corny songs.

7:15pm Dinner. Clean up food from walls, floor, cabinet and dog's head. Feed dog.

7:45pm Bath time, read books, make sippy cup with warm milk (toddler wouldn't have it any other way.) Wrestle toddler to put on PJ's. Fight with him to brush his teeth. Put child to bed.

8:30pm Lay on couch and drool

10 pm Jump online to plan superman's birthday party.

10:16pm Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
12am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.
2:30am Try and soothe crying child back to sleep.

And there you have it folks! Sounds peaceful and fun doesn't it? Yeah right. This mom...this stay at home...but not really at home... mom thing is the hardest job I have ever had. Most of the time I'm exhausted. I love my son dearly or I would not do this but I cannot wait till he goes to school! I get the question "So, when are you going to have another?" right after I get asked what I do all day. Are you kidding me? So, what DO you DO all day?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Who the hell does Madonna think she is?


On Wednesday night my husband and I went to the Madonna concert. Or is it called a show? I dunno. Somewhere along the way I think the word "concert" was phased out and the young kids started to call concerts shows. Anyway.

We drove 5 hours to Miami to see her royalty. Why do I call her royalty? Cause my ass only waits for Jesus and royalty for TWO AND A HALF HOURS! Yes, she was 2 1/2 hours late! B-I-O-T-C-H!!!!! Who the hell does she think she is? Who makes 40,000 people wait that long? Nobody puts baby in the corner!!!! I cursed her name the entire time. I bet she was with Rodriguez having some kind of steamy rendezvous. Whore. Damn her for having sex on my watch. She never apologized for being so late and didn't even wish us a Happy Thanksgiving! And there was no band that came on before her...boring.

We actually got to the stadium 15 minutes early. And early never happens for us. So it felt like forever sitting in those hard plastic seats. I got a lot of junk in the trunk and my rear still hurt. After two beers I started to get sleepy so I had to cut myself off from alcohol. I did spot a few people in the crowd actually sleeping.

We were there waiting so long that I got to know my neighbors. There was an old dude and his wife in front of us. He was literally 70 years old no lie. He grew up in Italy and we chatted about that. And next to us was a guy with really long dread locks who danced his ass off the entire time. In the row behind us was three older women with bad face lifts and jumbo lips. Such a broad spectrum of fans? Not something I expected to see at the Madonna concert/show.

I also wasn't expecting to see a concert that was more like a Broadway show on steroids. The set and stage were amazing. Holy crap! Ms. Madge danced her ass off for almost two hours non-stop. Man, she has got a body to die for. Or at least a body to leave your current wife and kids for. She also played guitar for four songs. Who knew she could play guitar? At one point she french kissed a female back up dancer...didn't see that one coming...Madonna never kisses women on stage. I also wasn't surprised that several dancers humped her from behind. Interesting non-the-less. What cracked me up was her charm: "C'mon you mother fuckers, stand up and stop trying to look bored. Put your hands in the air and smell your armpits." The crowd went wild. She called us mother fuckers numerous times as well as bitches.

She has been on the radio for a like a million years. She has reinvented herself like a million times. The lighting was outstanding. The sound was unbeleiveable. Her show was amazing, totally worth waiting for. And she is 50. So who does she think she is? Well just none other than Madonna.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Where do you sit?

Have you ever been in a restaurant and seen two people sitting on the same side of the table? This drives me nuts! Why are they sitting on the same side of the table when there are four chairs at the table? Or a booth made with two benches.

It's so much easier to talk to someone across from you than next to you. Picture this, you turn your head to talk to the person next to you and their cheek is facing forward stuffed with a big mouthful of hamburger. And now you are like 2 inches away from this person chewing their cow and talking into their cheek. Gross! Some things are just not meant to be seen up close.

Are people really this co-dependant that they can't even stand to be apart from each other for one meal? You can still hold hand across the table so don't act like it's a PDA type of thing. I've been in love before but I like a little space between me and my honey. We can play footsie under the table...people who sit next to one another can't play footsie. Who doesn't like footsie?

Another seating issue, people who sit too close to the driver of a car. You know what I'm talking about. A pick-up truck with the passenger sitting right smack next to the driver. "Love" you might call it? I think it is more like "hate" than anything. Why? Cause the passenger can't even wear a seat belt sitting that close to the driver! Nothing says "I hate you" more than your loved one being thrown from a moving vehicle in an accident. Move over you dumb ass! Cuddle when you get to your destination safely.

Monday, November 3, 2008

How much is that sticker worth?


Tomorrow is election day. As if you didn't know. So this is my one political post. It is deep so bare with me. I could talk about the economy, environment, gas prices. But I am going to focus on a truly important question.

Who pays for the "I voted" stickers? Every person gets one who votes right? I be they are like 2 cents a piece. Times a bazillion people. So that could add up to a hefty sum. I'm assuming neither political party flips the bill. Are the tax payers paying for it? If so I want to put my money else where. Who cares about some dumb sticker? It's not like people will see me out in public with my stupid sticker on and think "Oh gee look at Ms. Smarty Pants, she voted." What's this first grade? I'd rather have a gold star sticker anyway.